A little news for you!

This is just a quickie!!!!!

Jason and I got engaged on the 23rd September, while my folks where over here in Boulder for a few days. He did outside underneath a tree that we've had many important moments under. I said yes, there wasn't a doubt in my heart.
Then we got married on 11th October at Mission:Wolf. This was the legal part of it all, however it was a nice excuse to actually get married where we wanted to. We weren't going to drag our friends and family up to this remote location. Jess or KaKa was there, I managed to get her on a flight that arrived the day before the date we had chosen, Brit Jason's close friend from his flying days happened to be on a roadtrip through Colorado, so he hauled arse and made it. Then there was Linda aka Pathfinder, a very close friend of ours, and Kathy who has known us our entire relationship and before.
The six of us hiked up to prayer pole, oh and it was a little hike. We all reached the top out of breathe, and I was nervous. I said you see I will climb anything for you......!
We all caught out breathe and the Linda called in the 4 direction, north, south, east and west. Jason started off the ceremony and it was beautiful. The wolves howled, the coyotes hooted and out marriage was made on the new moon, while the sun was setting.
There was tears, laughter, hugs, kisses, true expressions from the heart and connections made all around.

This is your brief account of it, and I promise my pepsicles to write an in deepth one, oh yes you'll have to wade through another one, but I know you love it deep down. It has been a rollercoaster ride and continues to be so. That is my life and I love, wouldn't have it any other way. Though a small break at the moment wouldn't go a miss.
So now I'm no longer Alexandra Claire Weir, I am Alexandra Claire Weir Lawrence. I couldn't take out Weir altogether, so it's now another middle name, like a needed another one, but hey it works.

A fruo fruo ceremony will be next year. We don't know when, where or how, but there will be one. After we have closed on our land we're buying in Southern Colorado, moved into our new house, got my green card sorted, packed up my flat in London (sad I know) and moved my stuff over here, we'll be able to sit down and work out where and when. The two most important questions to answer.
It won't be near Bobsters and Inga's in March, I wouldn't do that to you guys, esp after Dave's wedding in OZ. We're all globetrotters so another trip for you all won't be a bad thing, or unwelcomed.

There you have it, I found my soul mate, my spiritual partner, my husband and my best friend, finally!!!!!! I've been searching like us all for so long, and now I can settle into this, and start focusing on other aspects of my life. Career here I come....!

I know a lot of you haven't meet Jason yet, but there is time, the rest of my life for that. I know that you will love him, and realise how amazing he is for me. I won't hold back, we argue, he kicks my arse, loves me for me (a marvel), treats me like a queen except when I'm being a petulant teenager, smiles and loves we when I'm being neurotic (ouch it happens), but most importantly we demand the best from one another and except that we are a continually work in progress, oh and oh my god he makes me laugh!!!!!

So to all of you my friends I can't wait for you to share with us, our lives and know that you all are welcome to Boulder, esp for the skiing season, you always have a place to stay with us.

I raise my heart to you and hope that you are all well, smiling, taking on the challenges of life with grace and being loved for who you are.

An update!

I'm still here in the states, well I came back! My life has been a roller coaster ride of note recently............Where do you start!

Well as I always say just pick a point!

Therefore with that in mind, lets start from where I am at the moment which is here.........
I'm sitting in a cafe in downtown Boulder, looking for a place to rent, so I can have a base!

Yes that is right I'm giving up my base in London, scary I here you ask! Yes it is! For more reason then just that one. My life over here isn't lets say filled with stability, and yes that might be due to the fact that I don't have a base, a home, something I can call my own. However life and truth be told myself are throwing all types of things in my path. Am I not listening to where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to be doing???? Maybe!!! However I'm trying to do the best I can with the information that I have at hand.

Why do we hold on so tight when all it ends up doing is caging our own natural wild spirit? Why do we look for security outside of ourselves, when the real security lies within us? I can tell you that I am tired, emotionally tired. Why do we choose deviations is our paths that don't serve us, probably because there are valuable lessons in those small paths off the main track. I realise that my consistency lies in the fact that I am flexible and forever moving and changing, however how do we find stability in that? Does stability translate as security? In this life of emotions which are insecure, forever oscillating, what can be our grounding force? Our own ability to be ok with forever changing environment internally and externally. To have faith that everything is how it should be, and it will all work out eventually, even though we might not be privy to it straight away.

What I am living at the moment is my choice, and what comes with that is responsibility. Gone are the days when we could blame our actions and choices of something that has happened in our past. Gone are the days when it was somebody elses problem. This is the price of true independence and freedom! We learn that nobody or nothing controls us, unless we are willing to give up that power. That we have complete control over our responses and reactions, that everything that we do every minute of everyday is a choice! My god how much accountability and responsibility that places. However when there is awareness there is the possibility of growth and change. That is what we are here to do, learn!

Learning about love is what is most of our focal points, whether we would like to admit it or not! I know that is my biggest lesson, how to love, how to be loving to others and myself. How to approach all situation with openness, love and gentleness! Now that is something to live up to, and something that none of us are masters at! Though we continue to strive in anyway that we can.

I'm faced with big decisions and therefore consequences! What do we do when we allow external influences to knock us off balance, off centre? That is the true test of our character. Well I can tell you I haven't done a great job recently. I haven't allowed myself the time to process and get back to my centre before approaching certain situations and discussions. I have chosen to react and not respond. I have not allowed myself to feel ok about my emotions, I have picked up that stick and sometimes that sword, to beat myself with and cut others. What do we learn from these types of situations???? We learn about ourselves, and what we require to continue to express love and openness! What we need to be at our most centred so that life doesn't become overwhelming. That we are always in a good place to make decisions, and to identify when you aren't, and to take whatever you need to put yourself back there.

All work starts with us! Our own little universe that we are in, and people get glimpses of from moment to moment! We all have out barriers, secret gardens, fortresses, walls etc etc! When we know how they manifest, what enables us to seek refuge in there or behind them, then we can identify what we want to change so that doesn't happen. I know that I require freedom and the worst perpetrator who cages me, is myself. I set the clips on my wings so I can no longer fly. No longer can we play the blamey McBlamer game when we become aware.

Welcoming Leya into my life

As an outsider looking in it might seem strange that I met Leya.....!

Kyle is my ex of 5 years, and Laura and Leya are his family, ie wife and baby, just a tiny background for you, tiny because it is no longer relevant in either of our lives. First and for most Kyle and I have always been friends and this is what we will continue to progress with. The best part of this is now I have two amazing women in my life.

I wasn't in the slightest bit nervous before the Hermans family came round, ok ok maybe a little bit, but I think it was more excitement then anything else. My main focus was to build some kind of bridge between Laura and I. We've met twice before and each time her and I have had very significant reactions to one another. So past life Karma came into play and all that was needed was time and clearing out of what didn't have a place in this life. As soon as she walked into my house, I knew that we have shared several special bonds in many lifetimes before. The one that she recalls the clearest is us as sisters, and we kinda fell into that a confortable place with one another this time round. There was openess, honesty and a spectacular amount of relating. As everyone else visted with one another Laura and I sat apart from the group and caught up, shared feelings, perspectives and laughted at what has been before.........apart of me healed, a part of me that I wasn't aware needed healing, but there you have it life and its unexpected treasures.

So I've spent time with Laura, we've healed and shared for what that moment required and I'm sure there will be more to come in the sharing department, esp the getting to know each other department. Now it's time to meet Leya! Breathe Lexy Breathe!
We took to each other so naturally. As I held her I knew that I could now give my whole heart to the man in my life. A little baby did the most profound healing possible for me, something that no grown up could have done, something that I couldn't have done on my own. I knew in seconds that I was ready, ready for another life, another partner and a family of my own. The wonder of holding such innocence and all knowing at the same time was soul soothing, peace settled over my spirit like a blanket of hope, joy and fullfilment all in a precious moment. It was the balm that was my soul was waiting for.
I held her for what felt like a lifetime and it was only about an hour. Hey how could we not have bonded when she chose me to throw up with and on, what more could I have asked for......

Thank you Kyle and Laura for giving me the experince, for added more feathers to my wings, I am now completely ready for what the universe has so kindly placed in my life, Jason!

More to follow my pepsicles, until then I say grab all those moments that you fear as nothing but magic comes out of them.

Fear...............!

This early early morning, yes it's close to dawn's crack, I've been talking to Jason, my love of my life. He challenges me to think, neigh discover what my deep feelings are, and bring them to the surface to know them, own them and then let them go. I wish you all this kind of happiness and relationship.

Therefore this evening I want to talk about fear, yes Jess I'm with your blog slogan 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I'm only truly beginning to understand the meaning of that and the strength that it takes to accomplish such a thing. When we open ourselves up to that way of life, we continually get challenged, the universe keeps on poking, saying are you sure, the ego keeps on poking saying there is an easier way if you just give in to it, the spirit gently caresses and says this is the way just hold fast and you will feel the peace of it. Yes it is easier to give into fear, and keep your spirit under lock and key, it's safe and secure. Though that isn't living, that's existing. We are all here for a purpose, and to be able to fulfil that we have to live not just exist. Living is everything else but secure, it's insecurity in its finest hour, it's vulnerability in its truest, most luscious form, it's the most honest path to walk down. But oh dear lord is it hard, so why do it right?! Because you soar, you fly then and freedom is yours, you no longer allow anything to chain you, to cage you, life is yours, the colours are brighter, smells are more intense, sights become purer, and feelings are true and real.

I sit here and know there are some ways that I still exist in fear, there are some ways that I don't live, there are some ways that I cage myself, there are some ways that I don't allow myself the beauty of freedom. I allow the idea of perfection to cage me, the conditioning of my past environment to dictate a lack of life. What do I have though when those final pieces fall away, there is comfort in fear, those labels won't be placed on my anymore, I will acquire other labels from external sources, can I be me when this happens. Of course I can, I will be more me then I have ever been. Now doesn't that sound scary.........! No, well to me it does and if you answered Yes then we are on the same page, Breathe we can do it, I know we can because I have faith in the power of choice, I have faith in empowerment and I am confident that once you have felt empowerment that is the path that you will always choose after that. You might oscillate, true, but you will always come back to the path of empowerment .

I faced a fear tonight, I asked Jason my partner, who I trust with my life, I trust with me, to hold my hand, to help me! Wow.........a big step for me, and even though my solar plexus clenched my spirit breathed. I've spent my whole life proving that I can do everything and anything on my own, so why I do have to keep on proving that to myself, the only reason I can think of is because I don't trust that I can, therefore I don't trust myself. That no longer applies for me, therefore lets trying something that I've never been able to do, lets face a fear, lets live! I asked him once to be gentle with me, and I now know that he can be.
I now take my hand out of pocket and extend it from my body to open space, just being there in the open, bare, naked, with nothing but hope, trust and faith to keep from pulling back to then be placed in my pocket again. That's not true the other thing I have is that feeling of knowing, knowing that it's all going to be ok, it's going to be better then that, I am going to be alive.

I'm in the process of choosing to face another fear, greater then extending my hand to have it held by another, and I know that I can do it with that love and support that it there for me from him, and finally love and support that I'm willing to accept. I'm not going to promise that I'll be any good at it in the beginning, but that's ok because I have the willingness to learn how to be. I choose to be the best me I can be with his love and support in my life. Therefore I now know that soon I will be able to stand here and go bring it on, I can do this, I can walk through this fear, I can give up that which I've been holding onto.

I wish this kind of love for you all and for those of you in my life you will always find that love extending from me to you, and for those of you I don't have in my life I extend it to you also.

I sit here at close approaching 3am and raise my cigg and know that I will soon be able to say I raise my heart to you instead.

London Calls.........!

I'm finally departing this place that I can call home! Yes I know that you have heard this before, and yes I've said several times that I will be back, though this time I'm pretty certain that I'll be crowbarring my arse down to Denver International airport, to catch a plane back to my other friends and family.

These last two months have been a roller coaster ride, and what a ride, scary, fun, fulfilling, scary did I say that already, huh! My emotions have been turned upside down, shaken around and then placed back in this spirit to not know which way is up or down, arrrr does it really matter! All that matters is that my life has become fuller, brighter and just that little bit more spectacular. There is now another reason for me to continue to grace this part of the world, and that is my man, Jason, yes that's right I've said it! I'm passed the we're only friends thing, and have decide to commit to the connection that we share, through it all!
So now the commitment phobe, yes I raise my hand to that label too, because as you all know I can try and deny it, but that has been futile. Yes so this commitment phobe has thrown away those chains and instead found a new freedom in this relationship that I'm embarking on.
Is it stable?
Well that would have to mean that there where stable people involved, the answer to that question has to be no.
Am I in love?
It's more then that, though the best words that I can find at present to describe this expanding, lightening, challenging, tender, loving feeling is "I'm in love"
Is it secure?
That would mean that intimacy isn't being shared on a continuous basis, I have moments of insecurity and disbelief that this amazing man has said yes to me, so secure it isn't!
It is true?
Yes it is, it's the truest relationship that I've ever given myself to, he gets me no bells or whistles just me, me in my imperfection. Then in return he gives me the truest of himself. We strive to always be as honest as we are aware of, and oh can that be heard to hear or say, but the benefit is that we always know where we are.

I'm sure that some of you have heard me speak of my secret garden, that place that I have always kept for just me. Some have ab sailed into it, others have been invited and then ushered out, others just never found the key let alone the door. It was a place of safety for me, where none of this life could touch, a fantasy, a haven just for me, to lay back on the grass and look up at the stars, a place I could breathe, where there was no right or wrong, there was just being, no commitments, expectations no other energy but what I created and wanted, it was my tranquility, I could be me without having to consider anything else or anybody else, let alone share that space.
I thought the walls strong and resistant to any force, unless one day I choose to let them down, not bloody likely, but hey they say miracles happen everyday, so maybe just maybe a miracle would walk into my life. Guess what!!!!! A miracle came along, something that I didn't expect! The miracle was a man, a man that is more my equal then I've had the pleasure of knowing. He placed his hand on my stomach, and in that moment my walls just dissolved, I knew that I wanted to share everything, and every part of me. There was no longer the want to hide away in those moments of need. His energy connected with mine and passed through what I thought was resilient, oh how I was wrong, all it was waiting for was the right person, the right moment, and poof it was all gone. The walls didn't crash down, they didn't crumble, they simple ceased to exist anymore, a gentle dissolving, it felt natural and in many ways a relief. I know longer have to hold those walls up, I can breathe!

He said something to me yesterday, "I see you" ! I've heard that before and thought ok great, but we'll see. This time energy rushed through my body and I was lifted and grounded at the same time. I just knew that what he was saying was true, he sees me, he truly sees me, and still loves me. Thank you universe for him, my soul sings!

Am I still scared too bloody right I am, I'm still scared that this will be a phase for him, but you know what, I'm working on letting that go. Whatever is going to happen will be, and there is no use in worrying about what is unknown. I'm just going to keep on enjoying every moment that we are in each others life. Though he did offer me part of the deed to his tent, now how can a girl refuse that ;-)

I'm excited to see you all again soon. Till the next moment where our paths cross I bide you goodbye with a hug and a kiss, knowing that we come and go but will always be present in spirit.

Far tooooooo Long.........

Hello my pepsicles!!!!

What a whirlwind of a couple of months it has been for me. The answer is yes to your question, I'm still here across the pond, this has been a long holiday, but what can you do when you can right!!!?

This is only a short note to say I'm still alive, life is treating me like a queen, my experinces are wild, exhilirating, spectacular, and fulfilling. There is nothing that I need, I have been given everything in this life so far to make this heart and spirit of my beam with light.

I love you all and miss you, but I will be home soon, and can't wait to hear about all of the antics that have been going on, and if there isn't any you have time to make them up. I want skinner and scandal.

Times for Celebrations and Merryment.....!

What a wonderful weekend, the beginning of April screams of good times and amazing accomplishments!

It all started on Sat night when my bestmate, soul sister Jess (http://www.jessiestephens2000.blogspot.com/) put on her debut performance at the globe theatre in London....! Oh my god, what an evening.

The globe was brimming over with electric energy shooting in every direction, everyone couldn't help but be sucked into this place of artistic expression, with the promise of that tantalising escapism that theatre creates. Nervous chatter filled the void throughout this expanse of culture and history, until the bell rang!

Numerous classical acting students filed onto stage and the evening truly began! The show was several different scenes from many Shakespeare plays. My soul sister played Goneril, King Lears daughter.





She walked on stage and just stood there, with true acting weight, her presence was captivating, it held your gaze, and her presence was pushed into every space in the globe, leaving room for nothing else. The energy was hate, angry underneath a cool, hard exterior! She hit the nail on the head. One of the hardest things you can do as a theatre actor is have weight while not moving, or verbally communicating. It is so easy to get lost in that space, let the theatre consume you, whisk you away from your audiences attention, wilt like a flower in the hot hot summer sun with no hope of water. But ever second that Jess was on the stage, not moving, not speaking, her presence grew.

I had tears in my eyes *as I do now remembering*, she has grown as an actor and will continue to fly. Your are my inspiration my sister, your pure determination and motto feel the fear and do it anyway, which you now live, is up high on a pedestal. I look up and admire what you have finally connected with, your true self. You are an inspiration to all of us, for us to live our dreams, at the very least give it a shoot and no matter what happens you have lived, lived the fantasy and made it your reality.

To you my sparkling star I raise my cigg and marvel at your achievements and energy that you put into your life everyday.

The next celebration for me happened on Sunday when my Dad became captain of his golf club!

It's called Driving Day! The new captain has to drive off the first tee, and others place bets on how far that drive will be. It was a windy day up at Dyke Golf Club, as always, but more then a light breeze. I've never seen Dad take such a quick shot in all the times I've seen him play. There was no practise swing, he went straight up to the ball and swung. That ball whizzed into the air and landed over 180 yards aways, the wind caught it a little and managed to push the ball into the bunker, but who cares he's now the new captain wooohoooooo!
I got to park in the captains space when I got up to the club, and Dad hasn't even had that privilege yet hehehehe Hey there are bonuses to being the captains daughter......!

The day was one of drinking and chatting. For me there was a lot of meeting and greeting, along with chatting to those of my parents friends that I haven't seen in a while. The club house was filled to the brim, people wanting to congratulate my Dad and have a minute of his time.

To tell you the trust after about 2 hours I was knackered......! Talking really does take it out on ya, but it was wonderful fun. The best part was to see my Dad shine, he was smiling from ear to ear! I'm so proud of him for taking on this huge responsibility and honour. It's going to be a great year for him and I wish him all the best, esp with organising the golf diary, wow that's far more difficult then you would imagine.

Good luck to both my Dad & Mum, because don't you believe that he'll be organising events etc on his own, oh no, there will be his amazing wife at his side, giving a few pokes, kicks and a helpful hand along the way.

Love you Dad, I'm so glad that I changed my ticket to be part of your special day.
I raise my cigg to you saying that you continue to inspire me with your actions in your life, and the grace that you face & deal with everything that is presented to you.

Ok so I'm off to the states for 2 weeks, arrr surprise surprise i hear you utter, well yes it's not out of the ordinary anymore for me. When I get the time you will receiving reports on my whereabouts, trips and general shenanigans.

Till then pepsicles I'll leave with two stories that show what is possible when you just live your life to the full, let that be an inspiration for us all.

Here's to Prosecco & Red Bull

It's a saturday night, and the blanket of a dark sky has fallen across London, the stars are twinkling, the planes are no longer flying over head, there is peace, well as much peace as you get in a bushling city.
My friends have gone to bed and I'm left drinking the last of my bottle of Prosecco and two cans of red bull, with Harry Connick Jr playing as melodic background music....! Sitting here with only my thoughts, my computer and my blog to keep me company, oh and of course my ciggs.
Where do I find myself on this dark enchanting night, as usual contemplating life and my tiny spark in it.

I'm thinking back to conversation that I had with a close friend of mine the other day. He pretty much said that I was man-eater....! Yes laugh because that's what I did. The words 'so how long are you going to toss this one around before you sink your claws in'! It still fascinates me how people choose to perceive others. Do they do it to satify something within side of themselves, or because they like seeing you in a certain light, or because it's what you project to the outside world?
Well let me think about me for a bit, narsosistic as it is, indulge me for a while.....!

There was a large portion of my past life that I was a man-eater, others choice of words not mine.
Hold on I need to fill my glass again, god this drink it wonderful............Now that didn't take that long!

I use to play the game, and I was a great player in it. Hey it was fun at the time, and I enjoyed it. But then I wanted the power. The power of intoxication, enticement and the forbidden fruit, becuase I was forbidden. I was the women u could never get, I was the wild girl you wanted, and more importantly wanted to tame. I was unpredictable and the unknown! I was the temptress, the goddess and the bitch.
What happened, well for one I grew up and started to realise that I wanted more meaningful relationships, two I started to become aware how my actions hurt the men I choose, three the game lost it's appeal, it became an empty persuit of happiness. Because power isn't happiness, it's just that power. The game became old and unfulfilling.
The question is do old habits die hard?

Faith....!

The Majestic, Magnificent Sun shines everyday,

the Haunting, Empowering Moon bathes us every night,

There isn't a doubt in the mind that they aren't there,

They only get obscured by the clouds

Arrr The Mountains Do A Call......

Last night I got back from Zermatt in Switzerland.
Skiing in the Swiss Alps there is defiantly nothing to complain about in my life..!

The scene was majestic, daunting, awe imposing mountains surrounding my place of dwelling for a week. To wake to a sunny day, with snow covered mountains knowing that I will be exploring them with skies strapped to my feet was energising and fulfilling. Throwing myself down steep slopes, you would think to be a nerve racking thought, but oh no, quite the opposite, it sparkles instead with the offer of fun, I said it fun and adrenaline! I haven't quite given up my adrenaline addiction, even after all of the injuries I have incurred in my years of pursuit of FUN.

There was 6 of us in our party, staying in a very modern posh chalet. For those of you who haven't skied in Europe, a chalet isn't anything like a hotel, it's more like an apartment with your own cook and cleaner.

We had a team of 3 that looked after us, oh how privileged I felt. We had Dave our Chalet host, who was chirpy every morning. For those that know me morning aren't exactly my most spectacular talkative times, though he seemed to manage to bring it out in me. He cooked breakfast everyday, made tea and coffee and provided wonderful banter. Then prepared a cake each day for us to fill our empty bellies after a long day of skiing, well long day is an overestimation as we didn't usually set out until about 10am, though I was chomping at the bit from about 7.30am, we'll bypass this for a minute!

Then in the evening we had an amazing 3 course dinner cooked for us, absolute bliss!
The other two guys were Phil and Abbey, Phil was the resort manager. So all of our strange request he had to achieve and he so kindly delivered the newspapers every morning, always with a smile and an infectious laugh.
Abbey was the ski host and we took advantage of that for one day. She took myself, Dad and Peter out on a glorious day of long ski runs and Dad and Peter took us out for a very long lunch, much to my disgust, but appreciated all the same.

I was so glad to have Peter and Dad along on this trip as their thirst for skiing was nearly as great as mine, but not quite, though I have to give them their dues as they are a lot older then I and have been doing this for a lot longer. I'm sure that when I get to their stage in life I will also start a little later and finish a little earlier. Dad did give me one day of starting on time, which was wonderful, him and I even skied later then the others, with a sneaky drink at the end of the day.

I didn't go out at all until the last night of the holiday and trust me I made up for it. It was Rugby day, with 6 hours worth of rugby to watch, heaven I tell you. So I frequented a lovely small bar called Potters, and proceeded to sit there was nearly the full extent of those 6 hours. I do love the English in those circumstances. I spent a few of those hours on my own, and I had so many people come and talk me, share in the shouting at the TV, I swear they can hear you, and I had drinks bought for me. Lovely guys to look at and talk to, so again I was in heaven. It doesn't get much better then that, rugby to watch, men to look at, wonderful people to talk to, drinks bought for you, and fellow supporters to shout at the TV with.

This was a warm up to a very joyful long night out. Juliet and I had to rush back for dinner, esp as we knew Dave would have spent hours cooking for us, and the others would be waiting for us. SI we bide our new found friends for the hours in the pub goodbye and rushed back. We were greeted with a lovely dinner great dinner conversation and an offer to go out afterwards.

Juliet and I rolled out of the Chalet, as the food was wonderful just a lot, and made our way to a part of town we hadn't been to, to meet Phil and Abbey for drinks. We ended up at the T-Bar celebrating Saint Paddy's day and my godson's 3rd B'Day. I consumed JD and coke, oh the sweet nectar! Everyone left and Phil and I were left to continue getting to know each other. We ended up sitting on a pair of swings until 4am chatting away. He provided fantastic company, and fine scenery. At 4am I had to end the rondavue as I was due to get up at 6am to leave for the land of London. I would have stayed up all night with him otherwise.

All in all the week was amazing, great company, thank you mum dad, Peter, Helen and Juliet. The sun shone everyday the skiing wasn't taxing but great all the same. My ski boots finally on the last day stopped causing me cramp in the feet, I can't tell you how grateful I was for that. We laughed a lot, throw ourselves down mountains, drank and eat a lot, meet wonderful new people and just enjoyed each others company immensely.

Phil don't forget those surfing lessons you promised to give me down in Devon and get that kite boarding done. I look forward to the adventures with you to come.

Dave look after that knee, and make sure you actually start eating properly, I was acupuncturist for a day so make sure you do it.

So I'm left with Laryngitis a nasty cough, a longing to once again be surrounded by a mountainous range, wonderful memories of several moments in time and a deep sense of gratitude of what life continues to give me.

I leave you now, I raise my cigg to you (yes I know I shouldn't be smoking) and say welcome everything that life throws at you, because it brings colour and magic into your life.

The Brain is on go slow.......

I completely forgot in my rush to update you that I haven't told you certain things, so hold on to your hats and lets start this all over again.......no sighing now!

I should have told you about a little visit that Andi and I had from a dear friend of hers Joe, or as I like to call him Joesaphinus, you can guess that he doesn't like that, esp being a South African man, oops sorry Joe it's just so fitting.
I did try and explain to him that in this circle of friends you don't seem to have Vito on nicknames. Like mine, which range from the logical to the total abstract. Let me give you a few examples:
The most prevalent one at the moment seems to be Google, short for google plexy, thanks Jimilicious!
The there is Lex 'n' Boots, Jason is responsible for that one
Lexicon
Lexual, I like to think this one is based on intellectual, but who am I kidding
Butterfly
etc etc etc
So Joesaphinus you're just going to have to get use to it, eventually you'll realise that none of us come up with nicknames unless you're worthy, and that is some tough criteria you have to meet to hold that position.

Anyway I digress.......Back on track now.

So Joesaphinus had come directly from a quite ship on the equator to the lively and talkative house of Andi & Lexy. Oh I did feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to tone it down. Andi and I both took time off work and we showed him around.

We went to Canterbury Cathedral for a day, wow that place is amazing. Like with most of English Cathedral is built on a layline, which is an energy line. Oh boy can you feel that! The place is just pumping with energy, you enter it and instantly become awe struck. The craftsmanship is breathe taking, check out my flickr site to see. Though my photographic ability doesn't do it any justice, but you'll get the idea.
It was pissing it down with rain all day, yes the typical English spring weather, it just can't make up it's mind what it wants to be.
After the cathedral we went shopping. I've never meet a man who can shop as much as Joesaphinus, well apart from Kyle. Though it must be said that I'm not even close to being a chick shopper. Actually if truth be told I don't much like it, esp browsing, you'll find me in the pub or cafe over the road instead.

Then a Bath trip was on the agenda, not the object but the city. Andi's sis lives there and we went for some family time and a psychic reading. The lovely Joe (ok I'm getting tired of writing out his long nickname, yes Joe you win on this one) paid for our readings as a gift for having him for a week, I know what a sweetheart.
We all came out of our readings kind of jolted, though in a good way. She was spot on and it will be interesting to see if what she envisioned comes to pass, but lets say that we're not dwelling on it. It's far more fun to forget it and then when it happens be quietly satisfied!

After the readings we then headed out to Longleat, which is an old English manor house, with a safari park. The history to that is the last time Andi and I tried to go, we missed the last car entry for the safari park by 5 mins, Jen tried to work her womanly ways but the man was having none of it, he must have been gay!!
So this time I made sure we got there well before 5pm. We actually got there at 3.30pm, so in my mind we had time to spare. Just before we set out Andi's sis Niki asked whether we had checked it was even open, I said of course it's open! Though I didn't realise that the times had changed.
Lets just say that once again we missed the last car entry, cause this time it was at 2pm, oh shit!!! No safari today then and I was so looking forward to see the lions, tigers, wolves, rhinos etc etc, though never the monkey enclosure. The last time I went in their the little buggers tried to destroy my car and I nearly ran them over, thank goodness my friend persuaded me not to, sorry little monkeys, lets just say it was a momentary lapse in judgement.

So we ended up just taking a look around the house grounds, as the house was also closed, bad timing I tell you. Next time Joe I promise we'll make it....! I'll even check the times out before we leave.

Then on the Sat the guys drag me down to Zulus, which is a south african bar in fulham. I've never been, never wanted to go as it's a meat market and def not my scene. The rugby was playing there so that was the only way they could persuade me to go. Then England lost to Ireland, shit! Though I'm half Irish so it wasn't a complete lose.
I was getting ready to leave after just having enough of the general meat market feel and then our friends Jouls and Liam turned up, so I stayed a little longer. Then the most bizarre thing happened, I got dragged down stairs to the other dance floor, and they we're playing old classic house and techno, oh my god it was awesome. Andi I spent the rest of the night dancing our arses off, while Joe kissed the face of a girl for a while, to then try and make up some drunken misunderstanding for the rest of it. See why I don't frequent that place.

All in all we had a wonderful time all together, we were called the trinity for the week, and it was like that, we did everything together. I even think Joe got use to Andi and I's unusual high energy levels, well at least after we had our morning coffee.

So Joesaphinus you are welcome anytime babes, it was an absoulte pleasure having you around. I raise my cigg to you and say bring it on, cause it will be better then next time round. Just make sure you come and visit when you're off to work rather then leaving it.

Oh and also bring on those long indepth conversations we touched on, I have much more in me!!!!

It is time the walrus said to think of many things.......

I know rather bizarre to be quoting from Alice in Wonderland, but my life has the twist of the bizarre so it's rather fitting!

As I sit here munching on cashew nuts, yes yes the healthy life, wait for it..... smoking my ciggerates and drinking a hot cup of wonderful builders tea, you guessed it not always so healthy, I realised that I have been woefully neglecting my blogger pepsicles (peps)!

How rude of me, so to recify this garsly wrong, I've put down the cashews! Well of course I haven't put out my cigg or placed my hot caffine aside, now who do you think I am.......! Best not answer that one, or even think on it. Ok that sorted out, I'm ready to start letting you into my world for a moment in time.

I got back from another marvelous trip to the otherside of the pond (USA) in early Feb, and since then life in this colourful city has been, lets say, interesting...!
It feels like I've slipped into a new pair of shoes and I'm in the process of wearing them in. I've been away for the majority of the last 6 months, and I'm having to start certian things all over again. Certain of my very close friends have moved on to their greener pastures, both couples are newly engaged and life is starting a new chapter for them. The feelings are mixed, ones of true happiness for I've never seen them so excited & energised, and then there are the ones of missing. I could call it losing, though we never lose anything it just transforms into something different. The appreciation never ceases, it just becomes from a far! The good news is that I have even more people to visit around this globe, oh adventure, adventure there is nothing better.

You see that is what happens when you live in a city of transit. We all get to about 7-8 years and have this pull to discover something new in a new place of resisdence. The sometimes annoying thing is that those places seem to be different for all of us, but the upside is that we will once again find another sense of happiness. I can't talk myself as I've got thoughts of leaving and finding myself in another country, oh yes the gypsy blood is pumping through my veins once again and the feet are itching! This time moving within this city just isn't going to cut it.
..................Tangent..................
Ok I've finished my cup of tea, oh you getting up, great I take mine milky with one sugar, make sure it's unrefined sugar. Yes yes I know I'm demanding, but what can ya do...!

So with the mindset of moving on, I've had to make a few changes and one of them is to do with my business. Yes people I do actually work!
I've opted for setting up my practice at home. Finally those that where using my study as a storing unit have come and collected their stuff, so I am free, free of their clutter, to then fill it with mine hehehehehe.
Andi (my wonderful house mate) and I spent the whole of sunday evening setting up the study as a practice room for my acupuncture and her waxing, oh yes pain is inflicted in that room, but all for the good of those that enter it. No no we're not sadises, I pormise! So no clinic for me at the moment anyway. Knowing my life you can never be certain as things change in a second, but for now I'm all setup.
The other development is that I'm playing wife during the week. Andi doesn't get back from work until 9pm, so I've taken it upon myself to create a relaxing atmosphere and some yummy dinners. Ok ok I know you didn't realise I can cook, you see I told you there are depths to me you haven't discovered yet, huh you should trust me from now on, when I tell you I'm a dark horse, named black Jack, well beauty has already been taken...! I still enjoy a corona when I'm cooking, JD what have you done to me, you've created something, I'm not sure what yet.

What else have I been embarking on, oh watching my bestmate changing into a actor, oh yes the drama queen is starting to emerge to the surface level, check it out www.jessiestephens2000.com
She's playing at the Globe on the 31st March, oh dear lord it's wonderful. I can't tell you how proud I am of her, you go and get them babes, the acting world isn't going to know what hit them. You are the brain and I am pinky in this one!

I've finally got my arse back to gym, and oh isn't he cruel to me. Didn't I mention I was in the states for nearly 6 months, so you can understand why I need to go....! I know I'm not over weight girls, but the tone has waved goodbye and I want it back. Tone is fickle you know, you always have to pay attention to her, otherwise she feels rejected and buggers off, bloody hell it can be work. So I'm feeling great and energised and these bodies of ours are built for sitting around all the time. If you want energy you have to expend it!

How can I forget....! Fire me now, but then rehire me cause I don't deal with rejection well, anyway it's in the contract so no getting away from it.
I'm off skiing in Zermatt on Sunday! Europe hasn't had the best season, but I'm hoping for snow and sun, we can dream right?! Spending 1 week with my folks is going to be fab, as I've seen very little of them in 6 months, yes mum I know I've been slack. I'm going to be getting my father out of the apre skiing and back on the slopes, ok so he's not that bad, but I have to find something to rib him about. I think I'm going regret it, as he'll put me through my paces now, oh I bring it on myself, please no sympathy, actually give me all you can.

Ok I said I was going to write a blog not a novel. I'll grace you with my life again soon, well once something interesting has happened anyway. Otherwise you'll just have to be satisfied with my emotional blog enteries, yes I know I'm a tree hugger really, but disguised as a black clothing wearing, tatooed, pierced softy!

Until next time my friends, I once again raise my cigg to you and say dream because we are each the creator of our own worlds. So from my world to yours, thank you for have a peek.

Family

So I've been sitting here for the last 2 days, granted feeling just a little but sorry for myself, as I caught the cold lurgy, yuck! Felt like death warmed up yesterday and now today the sun was shinning, so the mood and cold decided to transform into something a little more pleasant....!

Today I've had a lot of time by myself, with my own thoughts, dangerous I hear you saying, too true. I have that feeling for myself 'run for the hills she's thinking'...! I'm sure my ex's can attest to that philosophy.
There is a down side to this thinking business and that is intellectualising emotions, and therefore separating them out. Oh yes don't be fooled, I am a mistress of that, separating out is what I do, it even scares me sometimes how good I am at it. I had somebody say to me once (a guy that I had strong feelings for, & still do) that I play the friend card very well. All I could think to that one was touche!

However lately I must admit that those aspects of my life that where once separate are coming into a place that I can only call unity. Now those of you that know me, would never have thought that, I would have had the crazy notion that you can either have a career or love, or that I could either have a relationship that was easy or challenging. I wouldn't have thought that I was such a person, and when it was first put to me, I said of course you can have both, because life is and and not or or!
Newsflash apparently my subconscious had a different game plan. I had been thinking that I couldn't have love and a career, oh my god, me the liberal, it shocked me down to my core. Which is exactly what it should have done. Then today I realised that I have thought that a relationship can either be easy, something that makes you breathe or it can be challenging but not truly both. This comes from my ability to separate everything, hence I separate out myself. How can I have both? Is there really a man out there that can hold my interest for long enough. Don't get me wrong I am loyal and sometimes stick relationships out longer then they should exist. I have in the past allowed myself to be beaten around emotional because of that loyality and ability to separate out. My ex use to call me pup, short for puppy, I can now see that there was more to it then me being cute, please don't pass that around, cute isn't something I like being referred to as, but I digress. I have been like a puppy, you can kick me, beat me down, but I still come back wagging my tail with the hopes that you will play with me again.
The question that I posed to myself was, is that because I forgive, and therefore forget, or is it that I separate out the good from the bad, and then shelf what I don't want? Forgiving as I've touched on before is forgeting the lesson but remembering the teaching. Therefore I have to conclude that I'm either a huge sadist (which could be a large possibility) or I've learnt to separate out things too well.

Tangent...............

The real reason for writing tonight is to talk about family. Not the family we are born into but family that we choose in our lives, ie our closest friends that seem to surpass that word, therefore the only word I can come up with is family. I have a saying that nothing comes in between family, that includes the people that make up the family. Wrongs can be done, emotions can be hurt, but that doesn't break up your family ties, it can suspend them for a while, for the acts to be forgiven and the ties to be picked up again.

Now I am the luckiest person, as I have many that I can call family. I been blessed with amazing connections this life time, ones that have that forever feel about them. When I say forever I mean that next lifetime (that is if I have one) we will once again be in each others life, and have been in out past lives.

These bonds can be known instantly or they can develop over time. As I'm sitting here I can only think of 5 people that I've had that instant bond with, and that is wow enough. First is my sister Jess, it's been a 17yr relationship, and it's a closer bond then blood. Then there is Kyle who was once my boyfriend and now is my brother, though we do like to switch roles, between mother and son and father and daughter. There's Jason who is a warrior brother, that was definitely illustrated for me when we went to native American burial mounds. The last but by no means least there is JD & Chris, blood brothers themselves. Chris feels like a son to me, and I have extreme maternal instincts and feelings towards that wonderful man, and then there is JD. What can I say about this man, there is a very large chance that he is my twin brother reincarnated!
JD, Chris & I have always been family in our past lives and I knew that as soon as I meet them. However in this life time can that bond break, or can one or the other refuse to act or recognise what is staring you straight in the face?

Looking Back!

I think I've been lying to myself..........!

I felt that I could once again open myself up to another, allow love to flow through my life and more importantly through me. I can give love, though accepting it seems to be quite another beast.

This is something I found today that I wrote nearly a year ago and it has given me a few realisations about where I am.

' How can I let him go when he is so entwined in my soul. Where to start? I think I've started and then those threads just knot up. I've walked with you for so long, that i will never be the same. The sheer raw pain to know that I won't be able to see you look at me with pure tenderness. I will never been seen by you again. You will never see me again as I truly am. Sometimes I feel that our connection runs so deep that it's bigger then you and I that it can't ever truly die. Your engraved on my soul, it truely feels like I've lost a piece of me. I was once so naked with you and now it makes me feel exposed. This wound is open flapping in the wind, bleeding and cut to the bone. My soul has ached for its partner and when my eyes first meet yours it breathed. For the love of god I don't know how more real it can be, how can this not be forever. How can we have lost each other in our own darkness. You have always been my light.'

I will never been seen by you again. You will never see me again as I truely am.

There are very few people that get to see me as I truly am, this is a choice that I have made, and I have my reasons. However I thought that my hurt was over and I could once again open myself up to another. What a falsity! I've had another come into my life that took their time to observe me and get to know me with out me having to divulge much. I lied to myself, I persuaded myself that I could give me again, I could allow somebody to see me. I suppose that I did to an extent otherwise how could I have felt hurt, but we hurt ourselves more often then not. I now know that I feel that I can't trust another with me, though given time and support I know that I can turn that around. Can I bare my soul once again, sure of course I can, though the first step in that process is realising that I'm scared, hurt and empty. I've given so much of myself that I have very little to give myself, let alone to another. What you give out your receive back, this is true, the dilemma is whether we can accept it. This life has everything that I want and it can be mine, if I just have faith and lay open to what can be given. I was unable to that with this other man, this new man. Whether he wants to give anything that is his to me is another story, however I now know that I wasn't in a place to accept it.

Did I push him when I wanted to pull him into me? There was a night when I opened myself up, then the next day I was casual. I realise that this is something I do, as I'm intense and in the same breathe need freedom. Others receive this as mixed messages, however once you get to know me, you realise that my intense feelings for you haven't changed, they are still there beneath the surface, I'm not hiding them, I haven't lied or deceived you, my soul just craves and requires freedom as well as intensity. I'm not an easy person to be with or understand, but I love like there isn't another day to come, I support no matter what occurs, I always walk next to you even when obstacles are placed in the way, I see through all the layers, I understand and accept, I never want to change you, I love your humanity, the things you struggle with make you real and that's what I love, I'm always there to pick you up and I'm excited by how your spirit, mind and soul work. I have so much to give, and I know when there is somebody walking beside me that understands that I need to breathe and fly, that what I have given already in my life will intensify.

A Little Tip!

I can only imagine that my late nights are going to consist of writing this Blog, my paper journal might be all in the past...! I doubt that even though I have chosen to display part of my life and thoughts on the web, there will always be something that is held back, unspoken and precious.

While you won't get to know everything I can tell you that I struggle with Intimacy and here's something I'm re-reading at the moment. I read it years ago and I couldn't finsih it then as it was all a bit much for the girl, however now I would like to consider myself more of a women, so I'm attempting it again.

If you feel like it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep an open mind and see what somebody says about intimacy, or even if the subject interests you, or just maybe you are like me and are ready to explore that bloke then check this out:
Title: Initmacy, Trusting oneself and the other
Author: Osho

I'm going to keep you updated on this as I read it

I'm Back!

After a trip that was meant to last for 2 weeks, I'm back in London after a month...!

Everybody is getting use to this kinda behaviour, so am I if truth be told. Though each time I leave the states I have to crowbar myself out of there.

WOW! Wonderful memories I've just made, moments that are treasured and as always I'm blessed with amazing people in my life. To all of you in the states that find it in your heart to give me your time I thank you and raise my cigg up to you and say I can't wait to make even more moments that thanks to all of you make my life even brighter then it already is.

Of course to my London friends it's going to be a pleasure to see you all again and to share my last month.

Updates!!!

At the moment I haven't been great with giving you basic updates to where I am in the world and what the hell I'm up to.
So here goes, just a brief synopsis!

On the 1st Jan I booked a last minute ticket to Denver, Colorado, hence my nickname lastminute.com. Fly out on the 5th Jan to arrive to a fab snow storm. They had 4 storms in 4 weeks and I got to be part of two of them. On the morning after I arrived the snow was soooo glorious that just walking to the high street, or mall street as they call it over here, was an experience of not falling arse over tit, and trying to focus on the cars and people rather then salivating over the powder snow, oh I should have been skiing. Yes I went to the Rockie mountains and didn't go skiing, how I hear you ask, I don't even know myself, all I have to say is WTF WTF pepsicles.
What did I do while I was there, well hung out with Friends of mine, caught up with people I hadn't seen for a couple of months, tried to find ghost towns, which after two tries found out that there aren't any abandoned ghost towns in CO, what the hell! There are the old mining towns etc but they have been repopulated. Tried several times to go to the stockyards show, which is horse jumping, rodeo, sheep riding (for kids of course), and all those country type things, some might class them redneck, but what the hell I love it! Put me in a pair of jeans, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and a horse ranch and I'm as happy as pig in shit. Oh yes I took a look at some houses, walked nearly ever morning along the gorgeous river in boulder heading into the mountains. Drank not enough JD and coke, but smoked enough ciggs, played pool and kicked some arse. Spent alot of time at the most wonderful cafe called the bookend on Pearl street in Boulder, so I drank alot of coffee.
How can you go wrong coffee, ciggs and JD and coke, sounds like a perfect time to me..........! Maybe just maybe my priorities might be jaded, but as I'm jaded it all fits like a glove.
Had a wonderful time with my Mission Wolf buddy Rach, she had a great time and got a lot of sex, which I can verify, as my room was above hers, and damn I wish the airlines supplied you with earplugs these days heheheheheh
Her and I spent alot of time with Jonathan, and it was amazing to catch up with him. All we did was laugh and JD and I sneaking out for ciggs, as in the whole state of CO you can't smoke inside, and us die hard smokers don't even let that stop us, from getting the nicotine goodness!

Left Boulder, I really have to crowbar myself out of that place, but as the valet guys at the hotel said to me, see you very soon Miss Weir, I said not for a while and they returned with oh we know you can't stay away, the bastards are right damnit!!! Finally got myself onto the plane set for Atlanta and warmer weather, my gorgeous godson and my fabulous friends Amy & Tony, and who can forget my gorgeous crazy Lauren. Second night I was there Amy finally took me Cowboys. I'm gonna have to write a separate section on that night and that bar, wow never knew that line dancing could be sexy, but dear lord girls those men wooooohooooo!

Hired a car and drove down to middle florida, a place called wildwood and let me tell you it's anything but wild. Got to see Jason and meet his grandmother, oh what a kind lady, you don't get Any of her type anymore, what a privilege it was to meet her.
Kidnapped him, or should I say he kidnapped me and took me down to Epcot center, disney world oh disney world how beautiful thou art! Oh I felt like a kid again, ok ok so I haven't really grown up, so it's a wonderful thing that other grown ups think about making these theme parks for all of us to play in, and to be able to turn around and say well it's because it's disney world. Oh yes my friends we have an excuse, so abuse it!
I slept in the back of my car, camped another night in a place called crystal river, did a duck and roll drive by when dropping off Jason. What a wonderful man! Drove out of my comfort zone for 5 hours ie used cruise control arrrrrrrrrrr still can't get use to it. It was a good thing because it meant that no cop (popo) was pulling me over.

Now I"m back in Atlanta until Friday when I head back out to Florida, but this time to Miami to see Myke. Typical Lexy luck, it's superbowl weekend and just take one guess where it is being held, oh you guessed it right, South Florida. Therefore the accommodation that is available is like $500 a night and up. So Lexy is going to be going to campground and sleeping in her car in the Everglades national forest, but you never know I might report that I got a jammy deal at a 5star hotel and had a luxurious couple of days.

I'll be checking in soon!
As I'm sitting her smoking my cigg I raise it to you my friends and say until we meet again, jump on that roller coaster and don't get off.
XXXXXXXXXXXX

After The Words.........!

The hurt has subsided and I have forgiven, and realised that it isn't personal! What am I now doing about love, this I ask myself everyday?
It's still here for me,
I'm getting on with my life,
Not worrying about what another is doing,
That part of myself they haven't lost, it's there,
My friendship will always be given,
The final chance is here
Who's to say whether that has a time limit, I don't think it does
Though once taken and perhaps discarded then that will be final
I'm faithful and believing in what is meant will be
So have I given up on love, not a chance in hell
All I'm doing is just getting on with other aspects of my life until they wake up or I do
Because this is all just our own little universes
We are all our own suns with the rest just cycling around us
Though now I'm sharing my sky with another sun, two universes crossed over each other for a time, sharing half of what is theirs to become one in that amount, with the rest of their universe still theirs to play with.
That other suns brightness has dimmed, grown a little further away, but has not disappeared, We're still sharing part of our universes
It's a push pull thing and who better to understand that then I
The push wasn't great enough for our two suns to disengage, just a little distance is obviously needed.
It still brings light into my life and warmth into my body and soul
Like those summer days when the suns heat has been intense, then it gets a little bit later, the suns intensity decreases slightly. You don't walk away from that, you don't get hurt or angry, you enjoy the transition put a T-shirt on and some comfy pants, continue to lay there allowing the cool breeze to caress your skin, you breathe and surrender to the temporary change from yang to yin, knowing that yang is coming again soon. Making sure that is just a little thought in the back of your mind so as not take anything away from this moment now!

I'm enjoying the ride
Thank you for the continuing lessons
Especially reasling that boundaries don't have to be enforced aggressively, you just have to place them there gently, though sturdy enough for them not to waver. You don't have to always state them, your actions speak clearer then any verbal dialogue. You make it a flowing process not static or final, it's the flow of the sea before hitting land, and even then there is a gentle process from sea to land.
Let it flow!

What are words!!!

Do words really give you anything?
What would you think when somebody says they won't hurt you or that they don't want to hurt you?
Would you allow yourself to own those words? Would you believe them? Would you trust in those statements?
Now it's my experince that those things can never be promised, all we can ask for or hope to hear is, I have no intention to hurt you. However we hurt each other from one moment to the next with hopefully many joyful moments inbetween.
This time those moments when those words where said it felt so real, so my heart owned them. How can you own somebody elses words? You can't! That is one lesson to learn, because in the next breath all that has been spoken about it has been twisted and forgotten. Everything changes, and that happens within seconds and sometimes it doesn't even take that long.

When you have meet somebody that your intuition tells you understands you, it adds an extra couple of inchs to your wingspan, your soar higher and fly faster. It aids the transformation from the lone wolf to the eagle. So I ask you how can somebody get it so wrong. It's not a problem getting it wrong as we learn from everything, we grow, we go inwards and then we come out stronger.

I've heard recently that somebody that I gave a fragile part of myself to, apart of me they held in their hand, said that I was bad news! You go through life realising that most people hold up a photo of what they think is you, and you know that it's a distant cousin, a siberling or somebody not even related like a random person on the street. However once in a million moments somebody comes along that you believe holds the true photo of you, then that all comes crumberling down, the photo is set on fire, for the ashes to fall at your feet, for the wind to blow those ashes into the universe lost again for another million moments.

To answer the statement, which of course I don't have to do, but I'll indulge that person for a while. I'm bad news............not at all! I'm a challenge for those people that fate places me into their lives. I push boundaries, they end up looking internally at those things they had shut away for another day, I am a catalyist, I feel intensely and end up bringing that out in others. Maybe all of this can be classed as bad news, I suppose it depends on your perspective. Those people I care about, I care about deeply and I hope that I bring only joy, growth and honesty.

I'm tried with people stating things about me that aren't true, aren't well thought about and are only a projection of their own fear. I know one day there will be a partner out there for me who doesn't play games, doesn't only see me as this strong women, but realises that my heart isn't something to play with, that honesty will be respected and most importantly I will be respect enough to be told what truely is going on. I'm not a ragdoll to be played with and tossed around.

After all of this which I will write in parts I'm on my way to forgiving. I will not be part of this persons guilt cycle, however there are alway consequences to actions and actions force others involved to make choices that they might not have made previously. I understand the push and pull thing, however I've never done it with words, and now I know why. I don't have a problem with somebody running away, I know the gesture I've done it more times then I care to divulge, I understand where it comes from and why it is done, it's done out of fear!

Anyway I will continue to write this story, the next entry will be from the start and I will probably jump around alot, but you'll get the idea.

Words...................!