Looking Back!

I think I've been lying to myself..........!

I felt that I could once again open myself up to another, allow love to flow through my life and more importantly through me. I can give love, though accepting it seems to be quite another beast.

This is something I found today that I wrote nearly a year ago and it has given me a few realisations about where I am.

' How can I let him go when he is so entwined in my soul. Where to start? I think I've started and then those threads just knot up. I've walked with you for so long, that i will never be the same. The sheer raw pain to know that I won't be able to see you look at me with pure tenderness. I will never been seen by you again. You will never see me again as I truly am. Sometimes I feel that our connection runs so deep that it's bigger then you and I that it can't ever truly die. Your engraved on my soul, it truely feels like I've lost a piece of me. I was once so naked with you and now it makes me feel exposed. This wound is open flapping in the wind, bleeding and cut to the bone. My soul has ached for its partner and when my eyes first meet yours it breathed. For the love of god I don't know how more real it can be, how can this not be forever. How can we have lost each other in our own darkness. You have always been my light.'

I will never been seen by you again. You will never see me again as I truely am.

There are very few people that get to see me as I truly am, this is a choice that I have made, and I have my reasons. However I thought that my hurt was over and I could once again open myself up to another. What a falsity! I've had another come into my life that took their time to observe me and get to know me with out me having to divulge much. I lied to myself, I persuaded myself that I could give me again, I could allow somebody to see me. I suppose that I did to an extent otherwise how could I have felt hurt, but we hurt ourselves more often then not. I now know that I feel that I can't trust another with me, though given time and support I know that I can turn that around. Can I bare my soul once again, sure of course I can, though the first step in that process is realising that I'm scared, hurt and empty. I've given so much of myself that I have very little to give myself, let alone to another. What you give out your receive back, this is true, the dilemma is whether we can accept it. This life has everything that I want and it can be mine, if I just have faith and lay open to what can be given. I was unable to that with this other man, this new man. Whether he wants to give anything that is his to me is another story, however I now know that I wasn't in a place to accept it.

Did I push him when I wanted to pull him into me? There was a night when I opened myself up, then the next day I was casual. I realise that this is something I do, as I'm intense and in the same breathe need freedom. Others receive this as mixed messages, however once you get to know me, you realise that my intense feelings for you haven't changed, they are still there beneath the surface, I'm not hiding them, I haven't lied or deceived you, my soul just craves and requires freedom as well as intensity. I'm not an easy person to be with or understand, but I love like there isn't another day to come, I support no matter what occurs, I always walk next to you even when obstacles are placed in the way, I see through all the layers, I understand and accept, I never want to change you, I love your humanity, the things you struggle with make you real and that's what I love, I'm always there to pick you up and I'm excited by how your spirit, mind and soul work. I have so much to give, and I know when there is somebody walking beside me that understands that I need to breathe and fly, that what I have given already in my life will intensify.