Fear...............!

This early early morning, yes it's close to dawn's crack, I've been talking to Jason, my love of my life. He challenges me to think, neigh discover what my deep feelings are, and bring them to the surface to know them, own them and then let them go. I wish you all this kind of happiness and relationship.

Therefore this evening I want to talk about fear, yes Jess I'm with your blog slogan 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I'm only truly beginning to understand the meaning of that and the strength that it takes to accomplish such a thing. When we open ourselves up to that way of life, we continually get challenged, the universe keeps on poking, saying are you sure, the ego keeps on poking saying there is an easier way if you just give in to it, the spirit gently caresses and says this is the way just hold fast and you will feel the peace of it. Yes it is easier to give into fear, and keep your spirit under lock and key, it's safe and secure. Though that isn't living, that's existing. We are all here for a purpose, and to be able to fulfil that we have to live not just exist. Living is everything else but secure, it's insecurity in its finest hour, it's vulnerability in its truest, most luscious form, it's the most honest path to walk down. But oh dear lord is it hard, so why do it right?! Because you soar, you fly then and freedom is yours, you no longer allow anything to chain you, to cage you, life is yours, the colours are brighter, smells are more intense, sights become purer, and feelings are true and real.

I sit here and know there are some ways that I still exist in fear, there are some ways that I don't live, there are some ways that I cage myself, there are some ways that I don't allow myself the beauty of freedom. I allow the idea of perfection to cage me, the conditioning of my past environment to dictate a lack of life. What do I have though when those final pieces fall away, there is comfort in fear, those labels won't be placed on my anymore, I will acquire other labels from external sources, can I be me when this happens. Of course I can, I will be more me then I have ever been. Now doesn't that sound scary.........! No, well to me it does and if you answered Yes then we are on the same page, Breathe we can do it, I know we can because I have faith in the power of choice, I have faith in empowerment and I am confident that once you have felt empowerment that is the path that you will always choose after that. You might oscillate, true, but you will always come back to the path of empowerment .

I faced a fear tonight, I asked Jason my partner, who I trust with my life, I trust with me, to hold my hand, to help me! Wow.........a big step for me, and even though my solar plexus clenched my spirit breathed. I've spent my whole life proving that I can do everything and anything on my own, so why I do have to keep on proving that to myself, the only reason I can think of is because I don't trust that I can, therefore I don't trust myself. That no longer applies for me, therefore lets trying something that I've never been able to do, lets face a fear, lets live! I asked him once to be gentle with me, and I now know that he can be.
I now take my hand out of pocket and extend it from my body to open space, just being there in the open, bare, naked, with nothing but hope, trust and faith to keep from pulling back to then be placed in my pocket again. That's not true the other thing I have is that feeling of knowing, knowing that it's all going to be ok, it's going to be better then that, I am going to be alive.

I'm in the process of choosing to face another fear, greater then extending my hand to have it held by another, and I know that I can do it with that love and support that it there for me from him, and finally love and support that I'm willing to accept. I'm not going to promise that I'll be any good at it in the beginning, but that's ok because I have the willingness to learn how to be. I choose to be the best me I can be with his love and support in my life. Therefore I now know that soon I will be able to stand here and go bring it on, I can do this, I can walk through this fear, I can give up that which I've been holding onto.

I wish this kind of love for you all and for those of you in my life you will always find that love extending from me to you, and for those of you I don't have in my life I extend it to you also.

I sit here at close approaching 3am and raise my cigg and know that I will soon be able to say I raise my heart to you instead.