Family

So I've been sitting here for the last 2 days, granted feeling just a little but sorry for myself, as I caught the cold lurgy, yuck! Felt like death warmed up yesterday and now today the sun was shinning, so the mood and cold decided to transform into something a little more pleasant....!

Today I've had a lot of time by myself, with my own thoughts, dangerous I hear you saying, too true. I have that feeling for myself 'run for the hills she's thinking'...! I'm sure my ex's can attest to that philosophy.
There is a down side to this thinking business and that is intellectualising emotions, and therefore separating them out. Oh yes don't be fooled, I am a mistress of that, separating out is what I do, it even scares me sometimes how good I am at it. I had somebody say to me once (a guy that I had strong feelings for, & still do) that I play the friend card very well. All I could think to that one was touche!

However lately I must admit that those aspects of my life that where once separate are coming into a place that I can only call unity. Now those of you that know me, would never have thought that, I would have had the crazy notion that you can either have a career or love, or that I could either have a relationship that was easy or challenging. I wouldn't have thought that I was such a person, and when it was first put to me, I said of course you can have both, because life is and and not or or!
Newsflash apparently my subconscious had a different game plan. I had been thinking that I couldn't have love and a career, oh my god, me the liberal, it shocked me down to my core. Which is exactly what it should have done. Then today I realised that I have thought that a relationship can either be easy, something that makes you breathe or it can be challenging but not truly both. This comes from my ability to separate everything, hence I separate out myself. How can I have both? Is there really a man out there that can hold my interest for long enough. Don't get me wrong I am loyal and sometimes stick relationships out longer then they should exist. I have in the past allowed myself to be beaten around emotional because of that loyality and ability to separate out. My ex use to call me pup, short for puppy, I can now see that there was more to it then me being cute, please don't pass that around, cute isn't something I like being referred to as, but I digress. I have been like a puppy, you can kick me, beat me down, but I still come back wagging my tail with the hopes that you will play with me again.
The question that I posed to myself was, is that because I forgive, and therefore forget, or is it that I separate out the good from the bad, and then shelf what I don't want? Forgiving as I've touched on before is forgeting the lesson but remembering the teaching. Therefore I have to conclude that I'm either a huge sadist (which could be a large possibility) or I've learnt to separate out things too well.

Tangent...............

The real reason for writing tonight is to talk about family. Not the family we are born into but family that we choose in our lives, ie our closest friends that seem to surpass that word, therefore the only word I can come up with is family. I have a saying that nothing comes in between family, that includes the people that make up the family. Wrongs can be done, emotions can be hurt, but that doesn't break up your family ties, it can suspend them for a while, for the acts to be forgiven and the ties to be picked up again.

Now I am the luckiest person, as I have many that I can call family. I been blessed with amazing connections this life time, ones that have that forever feel about them. When I say forever I mean that next lifetime (that is if I have one) we will once again be in each others life, and have been in out past lives.

These bonds can be known instantly or they can develop over time. As I'm sitting here I can only think of 5 people that I've had that instant bond with, and that is wow enough. First is my sister Jess, it's been a 17yr relationship, and it's a closer bond then blood. Then there is Kyle who was once my boyfriend and now is my brother, though we do like to switch roles, between mother and son and father and daughter. There's Jason who is a warrior brother, that was definitely illustrated for me when we went to native American burial mounds. The last but by no means least there is JD & Chris, blood brothers themselves. Chris feels like a son to me, and I have extreme maternal instincts and feelings towards that wonderful man, and then there is JD. What can I say about this man, there is a very large chance that he is my twin brother reincarnated!
JD, Chris & I have always been family in our past lives and I knew that as soon as I meet them. However in this life time can that bond break, or can one or the other refuse to act or recognise what is staring you straight in the face?