Alone...............!

As I sit here alone, with tears of confusion, pain and numbness streaming down, with no sound, I pray for understanding to grace my form. The last 4 days I have been walking around in a continuous out of body experience. When I've been interacting with people I have managed to bring myself into the present, take myself out of the landscape of my emotions, to reveal in the marvelous life that I live, the amazing people that I am blessed with meeting, the conversations that aren't ordinary but extraordinary, that hold a depth that touches my soul. I have managed to still walk my life, but that is all I have done is manage! Why I can't shake these feelings I don't know. Why I can't find the understanding that I crave, is elusive. I have questions swirling around my head, 'did I make the wrong choice, did I allow someone to settle for second best, was I so caught up in my own happiness that I didn't see that the fantasy wasn't over?' Was I living just in hope and am I still living in hope? I want to be the reality and the fantasy! But am I just what is practical and that which makes sense? Or do I believe that I am second best, am I the consolation prize, rather than first place, and all of this is in my head, and not in the reality of the situation.
Do I leave and wait for this to be handled, dealt with and finally put to rest, and hope that after all of that I am chosen. I did that once before and once again it has come back. Will that happen again? Will it be forever here, will it always be behind that vault, or will they call it out and deal with it, so that it no longer comes between us?
I wanted my King, and I thought I had got him, but to have got that it would mean that I would have to be his queen. Am I? God I want someone to talk to about this. There just hasn't seemed to be the right moment, the right time hasn't presented its self. I know that I seem so strong to those that look in from the outside. I know that I put on an air of everything is dealt with. However at the moment, that isn't the case, my soul is crying out for someone to see me, to truly see, and want to know, want to know what is me in this moment. Most people don't see past the air of strength, they don't have the time or the want to see, and of course I understand that. They have there own worlds that they are living, with their own issues, ones that I don't pretend to know about. Is it me, do I not allow others to see me? I want to be held!

I have no wisdom to place on this page, I have no witty and intelligent conclusion to write. All that this is, is me hoping that if I write what is going on in this heart of mine it might clear the clouds of confusion, to leave a majestic blue sky, a clean canvas for inspiration and clarity to be painted on to it. As my heart listens to the song by 'Live' lightening crashes, it reminds me to feel it, and maybe that is what I haven't been doing, allowing the waves of feelings to roll and crashes, and then dissipate? All I can say to that is who knows, because I don't!

My friends, I will grace these pages once again when I have something of wisdom to write, some lesson learnt, and hopefully when clarity and understanding has passed through me.

Until then I ask you, do you have the answer to those question rolling around your heart?

Until next time
Andrethia