Alone...............!

As I sit here alone, with tears of confusion, pain and numbness streaming down, with no sound, I pray for understanding to grace my form. The last 4 days I have been walking around in a continuous out of body experience. When I've been interacting with people I have managed to bring myself into the present, take myself out of the landscape of my emotions, to reveal in the marvelous life that I live, the amazing people that I am blessed with meeting, the conversations that aren't ordinary but extraordinary, that hold a depth that touches my soul. I have managed to still walk my life, but that is all I have done is manage! Why I can't shake these feelings I don't know. Why I can't find the understanding that I crave, is elusive. I have questions swirling around my head, 'did I make the wrong choice, did I allow someone to settle for second best, was I so caught up in my own happiness that I didn't see that the fantasy wasn't over?' Was I living just in hope and am I still living in hope? I want to be the reality and the fantasy! But am I just what is practical and that which makes sense? Or do I believe that I am second best, am I the consolation prize, rather than first place, and all of this is in my head, and not in the reality of the situation.
Do I leave and wait for this to be handled, dealt with and finally put to rest, and hope that after all of that I am chosen. I did that once before and once again it has come back. Will that happen again? Will it be forever here, will it always be behind that vault, or will they call it out and deal with it, so that it no longer comes between us?
I wanted my King, and I thought I had got him, but to have got that it would mean that I would have to be his queen. Am I? God I want someone to talk to about this. There just hasn't seemed to be the right moment, the right time hasn't presented its self. I know that I seem so strong to those that look in from the outside. I know that I put on an air of everything is dealt with. However at the moment, that isn't the case, my soul is crying out for someone to see me, to truly see, and want to know, want to know what is me in this moment. Most people don't see past the air of strength, they don't have the time or the want to see, and of course I understand that. They have there own worlds that they are living, with their own issues, ones that I don't pretend to know about. Is it me, do I not allow others to see me? I want to be held!

I have no wisdom to place on this page, I have no witty and intelligent conclusion to write. All that this is, is me hoping that if I write what is going on in this heart of mine it might clear the clouds of confusion, to leave a majestic blue sky, a clean canvas for inspiration and clarity to be painted on to it. As my heart listens to the song by 'Live' lightening crashes, it reminds me to feel it, and maybe that is what I haven't been doing, allowing the waves of feelings to roll and crashes, and then dissipate? All I can say to that is who knows, because I don't!

My friends, I will grace these pages once again when I have something of wisdom to write, some lesson learnt, and hopefully when clarity and understanding has passed through me.

Until then I ask you, do you have the answer to those question rolling around your heart?

Until next time
Andrethia

Fantasy!

The experience of survival is the key to the Gravity of Love.......... The path exists! To discover what it is, is the Gravity of Love. Find the one that guides you........

Is Magic just a fantasy in this life, or does it really exist? I suppose that depends on you interpretation on magic. I have a a picture in my bathroom that says 'don't deny yourself magic.....Believe'
Our minds are what create this world that we live in, and everyone has a different world. They see it through their own eyes and never are two worlds the same. Does that mean that we create our own magic by our belief in it. I truly believe that we manifest that which is present in our lives, and that leaves we wondering why I manifest certain things. Does the pain come from a unconscious need to prove to ourselves that we aren't worth it, aren't worth love, happiness, peace and joy. Does our lack of self love bring forth the pain that we experience? Do we want to punish ourselves to keep us down and wanting, continuously searching outside ourselves for external affirmation, to be told that we are deserving of love. To only then manifest situation that tell us differently! Why does it seem to be the hardest lesson in our lives, to learn to love ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what others tell us, perceive us to be or project onto us. Most people just hold a picture of who they think you are, and most of the time that isn't you, it's you seen through their eyes. At times that is enticing, esp when someone loves you, because we want to see ourselves in that light, in that way, and struggle to do so. We compete with fantasies that we create, fantasies of other people. Sometimes this can be helpful because it is a way of being that we strive towards, other times it is a way to put ourselves down. The thoughts of I can't compete with that person, I don't have the ability that they do, I will never measure up to them, I will never be good enough. Why be prescribe to this way of thinking leaves me awake at night wondering. Maybe because it has once again become very real in my life. I have in someway manifested the test. I have manifested the situation that can and does leave me feeling second best, insecure and not enough. Intellectually I know that this isn't the case, but the gremlin of self doubt is ever present telling me otherwise. All that is left for me to do in those moments is to cultivate the observer, the observer that doesn't judge, that watches with interest, that holds compassion for the ever present turmoil of our emotional landscape. The part of me that isn't ruled by my thoughts and therefore my emotions, the part of me that lives in divinity and knows who and what I truly am, that spirit I was born with and will die with to live on past this vessel that it inhabits now.
Most of the time this observer eludes me and I allow myself to be caught up in the waves of my illusionary inner sanctum, that is meant to bring me peace, but just leave we spiraling down this whirlpool that part of me desires to create. Do I create this to feel something, to know that I am alive, does pain define my connection to what I seem to think is the life force? Don't I realise that feeling alive lies in the observer, the one filled with compassion, non-judgement and soft heart felt gentleness. Instead of picking up that stick to once again to beat myself up for being so stupid.
After everything I have been through, everything I have learnt, experienced and know, you would think that this has become easier for me, and I suppose there are those moments where I am riding on the gentle wave of knowing, of wisdom. The gentle, cooling wave that soothes my soul and brings life to it once again. But just like water as soon as I want and feel the need to grab onto it, it falls through my fingers with effortless ease, to leave me with a barren, scorched landscape to rest in.
Where there is turmoil, create stillness and what you think you are seeing will change in a breathless moment.

Am I second best? Am I good enough? Am I worthy of being loved? Am I.........What am I?

I leave you with the question, what does your landscape look like and feel like this moment.

Love and light
Andrethia

7 months waiting.....!

How can time pass by with such speed....!

It's been 7 months since I last graced these pages and so now I'm left with what update to give. You would think after 7 months I would have a cascade of thoughts, experiences, feelings and adventures that would pop into my head. Instead I'm sitting here in my house in Boulder racking my memory of what has happened over the last 7 months. One possibility is that so much has happened that I don't know where to start, what to say or convey.

It's been a roller coaster ride for much of it, there have been times of tears, laughter, resentment, joy, adventure, hardship, emotional jeopardy and lots and lots of honesty that has guided me on the path of growth. Sometimes I have wanted to stop, stop everything, get off this ride for a while and just lay in a meadow of sweet summer grass, getting lost in the cloud formation that glide by in the burning bright sky. To lay there and breathe, to soak up the suns warmth and life filling rays. To say I've had enough of growing, I just want to be, whatever that truly means...!
But of course that last for a few seconds and then my eyes light up with the sheer joy of being a live to once again remember who I truly am, and that takes those moments of hardship, of challenge, of testing, to make sure we aren't just fooling ourselves into believing something because it is easier then facing what is TRUTH.

I suppose the most meaningful thing that I can tell you is what I have learnt, and more importantly what lessons I have finally put into practise! There are times when I need my head being bashed up against the same lesson time and again for me to finally break through the darkness, the barriers that I personal have erected to ensure an illusion of safety. However that safety is just a cage with another name, a self imposed prison that tries to keep the world out, tries to keep living at bay for the un-necessary reason of fear and rejection. We create our own experiences, and we create our own emotions from a single thought, and from that thought we are then bombarded by years of conditioning, or a conditioned self that doesn't seem to realise that freedom is there in every moment, in ever situation and every breathe. That we are free to choose, choose everything, and that means choose our perception and realise that most of what comes into our lives is some sort of self manifestation either created via the subconscious of this life or of another. There lies the freedom that is there for all to take, expand and dive into. It's like a still majestic lake on a hot summers day beckoning to be dove into, to quench our thirst, restore balance to our aching, hot souls and soak us in stillness that only freedom provides, not flitting freedom, but the freedom that our spirits know, that is soothing beyond words, that is all inclusive and expansive.

My mind wonders to other places, lands, self created worlds and starring outside my window. I take that as I cue to pick this up when I have something to say that just can't be held in and needs to explode onto the page.

Until then my friends I bid you farewell, and fare flight in the skies you truly abide in, and I leave you with a question, what is freedom to you?

Yours always
Andrethia

Why Do We Fight?!

The peace that can enter ones heart when preparing to write, bare ones soul, or just bring fourth observations of what we know as the world of form.

I'm breathing and am aware of each breath that I allow to come and go freely and those that I hold.
Where do I start with this, always the first question that comes to me while writing, and my response always is just pick a point and all will flow from there. To be honest I have fought with my husband nearly all day....! Wow what stamina I can have sometimes, through fear of feeling pain. When pain comes we can choose to fight it and therefore fight with what we think is the cause, ie that which is external to us meaning another person, that which we think has caused the pain. That perception is a dangerous one, it is how we choose to feel, that power is ours not somebodyelses. No one and no circumstance can hurt us unless we allow it, now that is freeing, though difficult to digest at times, well most of the time. It seems easier to fight the pain and fight the person, situation or circumstance rather than surrender to it. By that I mean be truly present with it and aware of it and not attach it to ourselves, to our identity of what we perceive as I. I'm in pain is someways is an untrue statement, the truest expression of that is I feel pain. Oh yes I have moments of feeling pain, allowing it to come in and then run away from it. Is it really easier to run away from it? Or is it better serving to go into it? Sometimes I think I have the answers to that and other times I feel completely lost!

Why choose to fight with those that we love? Love is a fragile thing that can only take so much. But we continue to fight, instead of holding love in a gentle way, nurturing it like a delicate flower that could be gone any day, even though it can be gone, it isn't in this moment and this moment is all we have, everything else is made up of ideas, thoughts, or memories. The only thing that is really is the now, that where we dwell. At the moment I'm dwelling in my house with no lights on, candles in the background with napster playing music to help soothe my cascading mind and wondering why we fight!

We fight to defend that which we think is being attacked. We fight because of fear and I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being afraid of that which might or might not happen. I tried of feeding my power into the well of fear. We get to choose every moment of every day, we get to choose everything. How we perceive a situation, what someone says, how we response or react, how we feel or don't feel, what action to take or not take, whether to walk away or stay. So many choices that it can be overwhelming to be aware of it, that we can then choose the perceived easier route of just reacting. It takes practise, awareness and patience to respond rather then react out of old conditioning, past experiences and fear. This takes honesty, to truly be honest with ourselves and where we are at. To be able to admit where we are at emotionally and take 100% responsibility for it can be daunting, but so rewarding. As soon as you are aware of what is going on for you, you notice the thoughts that cause the emotionally reaction then you can only act out of awareness and acceptance. If your angry and don't know what to do about it, just admitting that to yourself and letting that sink in and truly be with it, accepting it, you then discover clarity and your own innate wisdom that resides in all of us, if we just allowed ourselves to hear it.

I could go on and on, pretending that I have the answers to this. But the truth is I don't have the answers and that is ok, because I will remember one day that I don't need to have them, that all I have to do is surrender to that which is wiser than my thoughts which is my awareness in the moment.

Here's to all us choosing to act from a place of awareness, acceptance of where we are truly at and bring consciousness into every moment, situation and circumstance.

With the highest respect I leave with the question why do you fight?

Soon to be gone

The following is quite long, but I hope you will have the time to read it and, if you see merit in it as I have done, pass it on to remind others of an obligation we can all too easily forget

This was written by a doctor. This should be required reading in every school and college in our country. This Captain, a US Army doctor, deserves a medal himself for putting this e-mail together. If you choose not to pass it on, fine, but I think you will want to, after you read it.

Soon To Be Gone - From A Military Doctor:

I am a doctor specializing in the Emergency Departments of the only two military Level One-Trauma Centers, both in San Antonio , TX and they care for civilian Emergencies as well as military personnel. San Antonio has the largest military retiree population in the world living here. As a military doctor, I work long hours and the pay is less than glamorous. One tends to become jaded by the long hours, lack of sleep, food, family contact and the endless parade of human suffering passing before you. The arrival of another ambulance does not mean more pay, only more work.

Most often, it is a victim from a motor vehicle crash.

Often it is a person of dubious character who has been shot or stabbed. With our large military retiree population, it is often a nursing home patient. Even with my enlisted service and minimal combat experience in Panama , I have caught myself groaning when the ambulance brought in yet another sick, elderly person from one of the local retirement centers that cater to military retirees. I had not stopped to think of what citizens of this age group represented.

I saw "Saving Private Ryan." I was touched deeply. Not so much by the carnage, but by the sacrifices of so many. I was touched most by the scene of the elderly survivor at the graveside, asking his wife if he'd been a good man. I realized that I had seen these same men and women coming through my Emergency Dept. and had not realized what magnificent sacrifices they had made. The things they did for me and everyone else that has lived on this planet since the end of that conflict are priceless.

Situation permitting, I now try to ask my patients about their experiences. They would never bring up the subject without the inquiry. I have been privileged to an amazing array of experiences, recounted in the brief minutes allowed in an Emergency Dept. encounter. These experiences have revealed the incredible individuals I have had the honor of serving in a medical capacity, many on their last admission to the hospital.

There was a frail, elderly woman who reassured my young enlisted medic, trying to start an IV line in her arm. She remained calm and poised, despite her illness and the multiple needle-sticks into her fragile veins. She was what we call a "hard stick." As the medic made another attempt, I noticed a number tattooed across her forearm. I touched it with one finger and looked into her eyes. She simply said, " Auschwitz ." Many of later generations would have loudly and openly berated the young medic in his many attempts. How different was the response from this person who'd seen unspeakable suffering.

Also, there was this long retired Colonel, who as a young officer had parachuted from his burning plane over a Pacific Island held by the Japanese. Now an octogenarian, he had a minor cut on his head from a fall at his home where he lived alone. His CT scan and suturing had been delayed until after midnight by the usual parade of high priority ambulance patients. Still spry for his age, he asked to use the phone to call a taxi, to take him home, then he realized his ambulance had brought him without his wallet. He asked if he could use the phone to make a long distance call to his daughter who lived 7 miles away. With great pride we told him that he could not, as he'd done enough for his country and the least we could do was get him a taxi home, even if we had to pay for it ourselves. My only regret was that my shift wouldn't end for several hours, and I couldn't drive him myself

I was there the night MSgt. Roy Benavidez came through the Emergency Dept. for the last time. He was very sick. I was not the doctor taking care of him, but I walked to his bedside and took his hand. I said nothing. He was so sick, he didn't know I was there. I'd read his Congressional Medal of Honor citation and wanted to shake his hand. He died a few days later.

The gentleman who served with Merrill's Marauders,

the survivor of the Bataan Death March,

the survivor of Omaha Beach

the 101 year old World War I veteran

the former POW held in frozen North Korea ,

the former Special Forces medic - now with non-operable liver cancer

the former Viet Nam Corps Commander.

I remember these citizens

I may still groan when yet another ambulance comes in, but now I am much more aware of what an honor it is to serve these particular men and women.

I have seen a Congress who would turn their back on these individuals who've sacrificed so much to protect our liberty. I see later generations that seem to be totally engrossed in abusing these same liberties, won with such sacrifice.

It has become my personal endeavor to make the nurses and young enlisted medics aware of these amazing individuals when I encounter them in our Emergency Dept. Their response to these particular citizens has made me think that perhaps all is not lost in the next generation.

My experiences have solidified my belief that we are losing an incredible generation, and this nation knows not what it is losing. Our uncaring government and ungrateful civilian populace should all take note. We should all remember that we must "Earn this."

This was written by Captain Stephen R. Ellison, M.D. US Army.

2008 & The Start of My Saturn Return

It's is 2008 as you all know, and that calls for reflection on the year past, as well as the awareness of the present time.



It has been a while since I updated you all my pepsicles, and for that please forgive me. I will make it a function of every month to at least update my blog once with the general goings on of my life, however more importantly the discoveries that I find along the path of life.



The last 6 months have been a mixture of pure joy, elation, huge lfie changing events, tears, laughter and a forging of a new life. Just minor things, but maybe just possibly they have changed my world for the better, no matter how painful some of them have been.



I now resided in the USA, Boulder in Colorado to be more precise. I'm surrounded by the haunting, majestic mountains of the Rockies on a daily basis, where even in the most traumatic moments I can find some sort of peace for my soul to rest. However there is a downside, yes peps there is always a downside if we look for it. At the moment the issue for me is that as I wait for my cahnge in status here ie a Green Card, I can't leave the country. I hear you all say poor me, with a hint of sarcasim, but I have missed many events that for some reason I wasn't meant to be part of. I missed Sabby's wedding in OZ and just today I am missing my soulsisters 30th B'day party in London. My heart aches to share with them in person these large tranformational times in their lives, but the universe has seen to it that I don't attend in person. Maybe just maybe trying to impress upon me and others that the physical isn't the important part of this life that we all. Maybe it is trying to show me that these connection that we make with others in our heart will always be there no matter what hinders us from being present in the same place. To know that our souls all fly together as one in a realm that isn't on this plane. I truly hope that these amazing friends that I have share in those thoughts.



The big things that have occured in my life as these, I got married to Jason Lawrence, so I am now Mrs Alexandra Claire Weir Lawrence (wow who would have thought that there was a crazy enough man out that would propose and go through with it), we bought 37 acres of land in Southern Colorado, moved into our own house, travelled to Pheonix, San Diego and San Antonio, had all the families together for Christmas, continued along the journey of Jas' Military process and applied for a green card for me. I think those are the basic things. You can imagine it has been go go go, thank god I can't work over here yet as I wouldn't have had the time for all of that and a regular job.



For now let this be it, until I drop into my heart and write from that place where wisdom, truth, love and compassion lay. I will leave you with this little quote that stirred a vague feeling of recognition, ' Your pain is the breaking of hte shel that encloses your understanding ' - Kahlil Gibran.



Until next time my pepsicles I leave you