As I sit here alone, with tears of confusion, pain and numbness streaming down, with no sound, I pray for understanding to grace my form. The last 4 days I have been walking around in a continuous out of body experience. When I've been interacting with people I have managed to bring myself into the present, take myself out of the landscape of my emotions, to reveal in the marvelous life that I live, the amazing people that I am blessed with meeting, the conversations that aren't ordinary but extraordinary, that hold a depth that touches my soul. I have managed to still walk my life, but that is all I have done is manage! Why I can't shake these feelings I don't know. Why I can't find the understanding that I crave, is elusive. I have questions swirling around my head, 'did I make the wrong choice, did I allow someone to settle for second best, was I so caught up in my own happiness that I didn't see that the fantasy wasn't over?' Was I living just in hope and am I still living in hope? I want to be the reality and the fantasy! But am I just what is practical and that which makes sense? Or do I believe that I am second best, am I the consolation prize, rather than first place, and all of this is in my head, and not in the reality of the situation.
Do I leave and wait for this to be handled, dealt with and finally put to rest, and hope that after all of that I am chosen. I did that once before and once again it has come back. Will that happen again? Will it be forever here, will it always be behind that vault, or will they call it out and deal with it, so that it no longer comes between us?
I wanted my King, and I thought I had got him, but to have got that it would mean that I would have to be his queen. Am I? God I want someone to talk to about this. There just hasn't seemed to be the right moment, the right time hasn't presented its self. I know that I seem so strong to those that look in from the outside. I know that I put on an air of everything is dealt with. However at the moment, that isn't the case, my soul is crying out for someone to see me, to truly see, and want to know, want to know what is me in this moment. Most people don't see past the air of strength, they don't have the time or the want to see, and of course I understand that. They have there own worlds that they are living, with their own issues, ones that I don't pretend to know about. Is it me, do I not allow others to see me? I want to be held!
I have no wisdom to place on this page, I have no witty and intelligent conclusion to write. All that this is, is me hoping that if I write what is going on in this heart of mine it might clear the clouds of confusion, to leave a majestic blue sky, a clean canvas for inspiration and clarity to be painted on to it. As my heart listens to the song by 'Live' lightening crashes, it reminds me to feel it, and maybe that is what I haven't been doing, allowing the waves of feelings to roll and crashes, and then dissipate? All I can say to that is who knows, because I don't!
My friends, I will grace these pages once again when I have something of wisdom to write, some lesson learnt, and hopefully when clarity and understanding has passed through me.
Until then I ask you, do you have the answer to those question rolling around your heart?
Until next time
Andrethia
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Fantasy!
The experience of survival is the key to the Gravity of Love.......... The path exists! To discover what it is, is the Gravity of Love. Find the one that guides you........
Is Magic just a fantasy in this life, or does it really exist? I suppose that depends on you interpretation on magic. I have a a picture in my bathroom that says 'don't deny yourself magic.....Believe'
Our minds are what create this world that we live in, and everyone has a different world. They see it through their own eyes and never are two worlds the same. Does that mean that we create our own magic by our belief in it. I truly believe that we manifest that which is present in our lives, and that leaves we wondering why I manifest certain things. Does the pain come from a unconscious need to prove to ourselves that we aren't worth it, aren't worth love, happiness, peace and joy. Does our lack of self love bring forth the pain that we experience? Do we want to punish ourselves to keep us down and wanting, continuously searching outside ourselves for external affirmation, to be told that we are deserving of love. To only then manifest situation that tell us differently! Why does it seem to be the hardest lesson in our lives, to learn to love ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what others tell us, perceive us to be or project onto us. Most people just hold a picture of who they think you are, and most of the time that isn't you, it's you seen through their eyes. At times that is enticing, esp when someone loves you, because we want to see ourselves in that light, in that way, and struggle to do so. We compete with fantasies that we create, fantasies of other people. Sometimes this can be helpful because it is a way of being that we strive towards, other times it is a way to put ourselves down. The thoughts of I can't compete with that person, I don't have the ability that they do, I will never measure up to them, I will never be good enough. Why be prescribe to this way of thinking leaves me awake at night wondering. Maybe because it has once again become very real in my life. I have in someway manifested the test. I have manifested the situation that can and does leave me feeling second best, insecure and not enough. Intellectually I know that this isn't the case, but the gremlin of self doubt is ever present telling me otherwise. All that is left for me to do in those moments is to cultivate the observer, the observer that doesn't judge, that watches with interest, that holds compassion for the ever present turmoil of our emotional landscape. The part of me that isn't ruled by my thoughts and therefore my emotions, the part of me that lives in divinity and knows who and what I truly am, that spirit I was born with and will die with to live on past this vessel that it inhabits now.
Most of the time this observer eludes me and I allow myself to be caught up in the waves of my illusionary inner sanctum, that is meant to bring me peace, but just leave we spiraling down this whirlpool that part of me desires to create. Do I create this to feel something, to know that I am alive, does pain define my connection to what I seem to think is the life force? Don't I realise that feeling alive lies in the observer, the one filled with compassion, non-judgement and soft heart felt gentleness. Instead of picking up that stick to once again to beat myself up for being so stupid.
After everything I have been through, everything I have learnt, experienced and know, you would think that this has become easier for me, and I suppose there are those moments where I am riding on the gentle wave of knowing, of wisdom. The gentle, cooling wave that soothes my soul and brings life to it once again. But just like water as soon as I want and feel the need to grab onto it, it falls through my fingers with effortless ease, to leave me with a barren, scorched landscape to rest in.
Where there is turmoil, create stillness and what you think you are seeing will change in a breathless moment.
Am I second best? Am I good enough? Am I worthy of being loved? Am I.........What am I?
I leave you with the question, what does your landscape look like and feel like this moment.
Love and light
Andrethia
Is Magic just a fantasy in this life, or does it really exist? I suppose that depends on you interpretation on magic. I have a a picture in my bathroom that says 'don't deny yourself magic.....Believe'
Our minds are what create this world that we live in, and everyone has a different world. They see it through their own eyes and never are two worlds the same. Does that mean that we create our own magic by our belief in it. I truly believe that we manifest that which is present in our lives, and that leaves we wondering why I manifest certain things. Does the pain come from a unconscious need to prove to ourselves that we aren't worth it, aren't worth love, happiness, peace and joy. Does our lack of self love bring forth the pain that we experience? Do we want to punish ourselves to keep us down and wanting, continuously searching outside ourselves for external affirmation, to be told that we are deserving of love. To only then manifest situation that tell us differently! Why does it seem to be the hardest lesson in our lives, to learn to love ourselves for who and what we are, no matter what others tell us, perceive us to be or project onto us. Most people just hold a picture of who they think you are, and most of the time that isn't you, it's you seen through their eyes. At times that is enticing, esp when someone loves you, because we want to see ourselves in that light, in that way, and struggle to do so. We compete with fantasies that we create, fantasies of other people. Sometimes this can be helpful because it is a way of being that we strive towards, other times it is a way to put ourselves down. The thoughts of I can't compete with that person, I don't have the ability that they do, I will never measure up to them, I will never be good enough. Why be prescribe to this way of thinking leaves me awake at night wondering. Maybe because it has once again become very real in my life. I have in someway manifested the test. I have manifested the situation that can and does leave me feeling second best, insecure and not enough. Intellectually I know that this isn't the case, but the gremlin of self doubt is ever present telling me otherwise. All that is left for me to do in those moments is to cultivate the observer, the observer that doesn't judge, that watches with interest, that holds compassion for the ever present turmoil of our emotional landscape. The part of me that isn't ruled by my thoughts and therefore my emotions, the part of me that lives in divinity and knows who and what I truly am, that spirit I was born with and will die with to live on past this vessel that it inhabits now.
Most of the time this observer eludes me and I allow myself to be caught up in the waves of my illusionary inner sanctum, that is meant to bring me peace, but just leave we spiraling down this whirlpool that part of me desires to create. Do I create this to feel something, to know that I am alive, does pain define my connection to what I seem to think is the life force? Don't I realise that feeling alive lies in the observer, the one filled with compassion, non-judgement and soft heart felt gentleness. Instead of picking up that stick to once again to beat myself up for being so stupid.
After everything I have been through, everything I have learnt, experienced and know, you would think that this has become easier for me, and I suppose there are those moments where I am riding on the gentle wave of knowing, of wisdom. The gentle, cooling wave that soothes my soul and brings life to it once again. But just like water as soon as I want and feel the need to grab onto it, it falls through my fingers with effortless ease, to leave me with a barren, scorched landscape to rest in.
Where there is turmoil, create stillness and what you think you are seeing will change in a breathless moment.
Am I second best? Am I good enough? Am I worthy of being loved? Am I.........What am I?
I leave you with the question, what does your landscape look like and feel like this moment.
Love and light
Andrethia
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
7 months waiting.....!
How can time pass by with such speed....!
It's been 7 months since I last graced these pages and so now I'm left with what update to give. You would think after 7 months I would have a cascade of thoughts, experiences, feelings and adventures that would pop into my head. Instead I'm sitting here in my house in Boulder racking my memory of what has happened over the last 7 months. One possibility is that so much has happened that I don't know where to start, what to say or convey.
It's been a roller coaster ride for much of it, there have been times of tears, laughter, resentment, joy, adventure, hardship, emotional jeopardy and lots and lots of honesty that has guided me on the path of growth. Sometimes I have wanted to stop, stop everything, get off this ride for a while and just lay in a meadow of sweet summer grass, getting lost in the cloud formation that glide by in the burning bright sky. To lay there and breathe, to soak up the suns warmth and life filling rays. To say I've had enough of growing, I just want to be, whatever that truly means...!
But of course that last for a few seconds and then my eyes light up with the sheer joy of being a live to once again remember who I truly am, and that takes those moments of hardship, of challenge, of testing, to make sure we aren't just fooling ourselves into believing something because it is easier then facing what is TRUTH.
I suppose the most meaningful thing that I can tell you is what I have learnt, and more importantly what lessons I have finally put into practise! There are times when I need my head being bashed up against the same lesson time and again for me to finally break through the darkness, the barriers that I personal have erected to ensure an illusion of safety. However that safety is just a cage with another name, a self imposed prison that tries to keep the world out, tries to keep living at bay for the un-necessary reason of fear and rejection. We create our own experiences, and we create our own emotions from a single thought, and from that thought we are then bombarded by years of conditioning, or a conditioned self that doesn't seem to realise that freedom is there in every moment, in ever situation and every breathe. That we are free to choose, choose everything, and that means choose our perception and realise that most of what comes into our lives is some sort of self manifestation either created via the subconscious of this life or of another. There lies the freedom that is there for all to take, expand and dive into. It's like a still majestic lake on a hot summers day beckoning to be dove into, to quench our thirst, restore balance to our aching, hot souls and soak us in stillness that only freedom provides, not flitting freedom, but the freedom that our spirits know, that is soothing beyond words, that is all inclusive and expansive.
My mind wonders to other places, lands, self created worlds and starring outside my window. I take that as I cue to pick this up when I have something to say that just can't be held in and needs to explode onto the page.
Until then my friends I bid you farewell, and fare flight in the skies you truly abide in, and I leave you with a question, what is freedom to you?
Yours always
Andrethia
It's been 7 months since I last graced these pages and so now I'm left with what update to give. You would think after 7 months I would have a cascade of thoughts, experiences, feelings and adventures that would pop into my head. Instead I'm sitting here in my house in Boulder racking my memory of what has happened over the last 7 months. One possibility is that so much has happened that I don't know where to start, what to say or convey.
It's been a roller coaster ride for much of it, there have been times of tears, laughter, resentment, joy, adventure, hardship, emotional jeopardy and lots and lots of honesty that has guided me on the path of growth. Sometimes I have wanted to stop, stop everything, get off this ride for a while and just lay in a meadow of sweet summer grass, getting lost in the cloud formation that glide by in the burning bright sky. To lay there and breathe, to soak up the suns warmth and life filling rays. To say I've had enough of growing, I just want to be, whatever that truly means...!
But of course that last for a few seconds and then my eyes light up with the sheer joy of being a live to once again remember who I truly am, and that takes those moments of hardship, of challenge, of testing, to make sure we aren't just fooling ourselves into believing something because it is easier then facing what is TRUTH.
I suppose the most meaningful thing that I can tell you is what I have learnt, and more importantly what lessons I have finally put into practise! There are times when I need my head being bashed up against the same lesson time and again for me to finally break through the darkness, the barriers that I personal have erected to ensure an illusion of safety. However that safety is just a cage with another name, a self imposed prison that tries to keep the world out, tries to keep living at bay for the un-necessary reason of fear and rejection. We create our own experiences, and we create our own emotions from a single thought, and from that thought we are then bombarded by years of conditioning, or a conditioned self that doesn't seem to realise that freedom is there in every moment, in ever situation and every breathe. That we are free to choose, choose everything, and that means choose our perception and realise that most of what comes into our lives is some sort of self manifestation either created via the subconscious of this life or of another. There lies the freedom that is there for all to take, expand and dive into. It's like a still majestic lake on a hot summers day beckoning to be dove into, to quench our thirst, restore balance to our aching, hot souls and soak us in stillness that only freedom provides, not flitting freedom, but the freedom that our spirits know, that is soothing beyond words, that is all inclusive and expansive.
My mind wonders to other places, lands, self created worlds and starring outside my window. I take that as I cue to pick this up when I have something to say that just can't be held in and needs to explode onto the page.
Until then my friends I bid you farewell, and fare flight in the skies you truly abide in, and I leave you with a question, what is freedom to you?
Yours always
Andrethia
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