When you have nothing to lose

I'm free and single,
The whole world is open to me,
I have nothing holding me down,
My heart is whole and healed,
My soul is flying on the winds,
My spirit is running free,
Every moment is where I should be,
Happiness is no longer elusive,
I am whole.

You can never lose something you've never had, and we own nothing is our lives, apart from ourselves. Every memory resides within us, every person that has affected our lives we carry with us, there are no endings, just moments in time, we are drawn to experinces to then fly away to be drawn in again. Everything we have we have choosen and everything we lack we have manifested, everything we want is possible, every lesson we are to learn is given to us, so how can we lose.

I could look back on my life and say I have lost, but that in its self is a choice. What can I perceive as loss, my brother dieing, my best friends and brothers dieing, no longer having this relationship and that relationship, a friendship ending, a love not returned, part of myself being discarded or given up. All of that isn't loss, it's just moments, moments that hurt, moments that I have cried over, moments that I have felt confused about, moments that have challeneged me, moments that have broken and rebuilt me, but most important of all is that these are all moments that have pushed me to grow, to learn about what love is, to face my fears and to learn that life seems to be erractic in its lessons, but there is a pattern that we understand in our souls, that we gain from all.

To have a dream placed infront of us, for all that you heart desires to finally be manifested in another, to be able to see your future in somebody elses eyes and then to have it run through your fingers like water can be seen as loss. What has it given you? What have you learnt? How has it helped you to grow? These questions are far more important to answer then to see only what you don't have.

A friend of mine today asked what was the highlight of my 3 months in the states. It's hard to summerize a single moment from months of living, however I took up the challenge. I didn't have to ponder it for too long! I meet two men that are my equals in different ways, but equals all the same. One of them I feel hard in love with. The wonderful thing about it is that I was clueless to falling into his waters, until one night.

The night was exciting, we had eacaped our place of dwelling for a little bit of light relief from the politics that were swirling. The night air had a sense of adventure on the wind. We drank, laughed, played pool, drank some more and then stepped outside for a ciggarette. I felt drawn to this man, in ways that I hadn't experinced before, something I couldn't fathom, so had placed in the back of mind to be analysied another time. I was chattering away as I do, until I looked into his eyes and saw something that I should have seen before then. I stopped and asked what is it, he relpied by saying 'you know that saying about drowning in somebodies eyes, well I spin in yours'. It hit me like a ten ton truck from behind. I realised then that he is everything that I want and more, everything I had dreamed about, and the man that the universe whispered about in my ear when I was just a little girl. My first thought was 'oh shit'! He asked me and I told him that thought and his reply was 'I'm way ahead of you'. How could I have not seen it coming, how could I have been so blind to what was growing. I just thought he was my mate, somebody who had quickly become my bestfriend, and for a good reason, he had and still has a girlfriend, those men to me are off limits.

It's so easy, it flows like the sea, it makes me breathe, it feels like I have come home for the first time. He knows me without having to ask, he sees me, he sees my soul. I remember the first time we meet, I looked into his eyes and thought, no felt, I know you, I see you. The closest I've ever come to being able to communcate without words is with my sister Jess and we've known each other for 17 years. With this man, we could read each others minds, no words had to be uttered.
I've never enjoyed the little moments so much as I did with him, it was about the small things. Staying up till 4am talking and laughing, cooking together, fixing cars, or just sitting watch the sunset with a beer in one hand and ciggarette in the other. Life has never been so bright, my life has never felt so peaceful, my heart has never been so contented, my soul has never been so free, and my spirit has never been so entwined with another. We are one, but individuals. I can take a deep breathe for the first time in so long. Nobody has every told me the thing they love the most about me is the way I think. He doesn't want to change me, oh my god could this be real.

I'm scared, I've never found my equal before and within him I have. I'm not ready for what we could be and neither is he, I don't know whether he will ever be. He has things that he needs to do and I have to establish certain aspects of my life. The universe is either going to bring us together again or it isn't. If it doesn't grow from here, at least he has given me hope. Hope that somebody someday is going to love me for who I am and not want to change this free spirit, but understand that I need freedom to love. I could think I have lost him, but I haven't, he resides within me everyday, all I have to do is think of him and I can feel him, an ocean can't dull this connection, it is above distant and time, it functions in a realm that I've never explored before and oh am I loving this journey.

I'm scared of labelling him, because I feel that it would kill its core, the essence, however my soul has found a partner and we shall see how it all pans out. Till the next moment, because this isn't over, it isn't done, but who knows where it is going to go from here. I'm scared that he thinks I didn't fight for him and just let him go. That isn't it at all! I felt he didn't want to be fought for, however on a deeper level I fought for him, I let him go and do whatever it is he has to do. It's his choice to come and explore this, he needs freedom as much as I do and so we parted on our flight, our journey for now. Though I hope that he doesn't think he has lost me because we will always be connected, and above all I'm still waiting for him, while my life continues along its path.

I am yours to come and find!

I thank you the universe for this man!