When you have nothing to lose

I'm free and single,
The whole world is open to me,
I have nothing holding me down,
My heart is whole and healed,
My soul is flying on the winds,
My spirit is running free,
Every moment is where I should be,
Happiness is no longer elusive,
I am whole.

You can never lose something you've never had, and we own nothing is our lives, apart from ourselves. Every memory resides within us, every person that has affected our lives we carry with us, there are no endings, just moments in time, we are drawn to experinces to then fly away to be drawn in again. Everything we have we have choosen and everything we lack we have manifested, everything we want is possible, every lesson we are to learn is given to us, so how can we lose.

I could look back on my life and say I have lost, but that in its self is a choice. What can I perceive as loss, my brother dieing, my best friends and brothers dieing, no longer having this relationship and that relationship, a friendship ending, a love not returned, part of myself being discarded or given up. All of that isn't loss, it's just moments, moments that hurt, moments that I have cried over, moments that I have felt confused about, moments that have challeneged me, moments that have broken and rebuilt me, but most important of all is that these are all moments that have pushed me to grow, to learn about what love is, to face my fears and to learn that life seems to be erractic in its lessons, but there is a pattern that we understand in our souls, that we gain from all.

To have a dream placed infront of us, for all that you heart desires to finally be manifested in another, to be able to see your future in somebody elses eyes and then to have it run through your fingers like water can be seen as loss. What has it given you? What have you learnt? How has it helped you to grow? These questions are far more important to answer then to see only what you don't have.

A friend of mine today asked what was the highlight of my 3 months in the states. It's hard to summerize a single moment from months of living, however I took up the challenge. I didn't have to ponder it for too long! I meet two men that are my equals in different ways, but equals all the same. One of them I feel hard in love with. The wonderful thing about it is that I was clueless to falling into his waters, until one night.

The night was exciting, we had eacaped our place of dwelling for a little bit of light relief from the politics that were swirling. The night air had a sense of adventure on the wind. We drank, laughed, played pool, drank some more and then stepped outside for a ciggarette. I felt drawn to this man, in ways that I hadn't experinced before, something I couldn't fathom, so had placed in the back of mind to be analysied another time. I was chattering away as I do, until I looked into his eyes and saw something that I should have seen before then. I stopped and asked what is it, he relpied by saying 'you know that saying about drowning in somebodies eyes, well I spin in yours'. It hit me like a ten ton truck from behind. I realised then that he is everything that I want and more, everything I had dreamed about, and the man that the universe whispered about in my ear when I was just a little girl. My first thought was 'oh shit'! He asked me and I told him that thought and his reply was 'I'm way ahead of you'. How could I have not seen it coming, how could I have been so blind to what was growing. I just thought he was my mate, somebody who had quickly become my bestfriend, and for a good reason, he had and still has a girlfriend, those men to me are off limits.

It's so easy, it flows like the sea, it makes me breathe, it feels like I have come home for the first time. He knows me without having to ask, he sees me, he sees my soul. I remember the first time we meet, I looked into his eyes and thought, no felt, I know you, I see you. The closest I've ever come to being able to communcate without words is with my sister Jess and we've known each other for 17 years. With this man, we could read each others minds, no words had to be uttered.
I've never enjoyed the little moments so much as I did with him, it was about the small things. Staying up till 4am talking and laughing, cooking together, fixing cars, or just sitting watch the sunset with a beer in one hand and ciggarette in the other. Life has never been so bright, my life has never felt so peaceful, my heart has never been so contented, my soul has never been so free, and my spirit has never been so entwined with another. We are one, but individuals. I can take a deep breathe for the first time in so long. Nobody has every told me the thing they love the most about me is the way I think. He doesn't want to change me, oh my god could this be real.

I'm scared, I've never found my equal before and within him I have. I'm not ready for what we could be and neither is he, I don't know whether he will ever be. He has things that he needs to do and I have to establish certain aspects of my life. The universe is either going to bring us together again or it isn't. If it doesn't grow from here, at least he has given me hope. Hope that somebody someday is going to love me for who I am and not want to change this free spirit, but understand that I need freedom to love. I could think I have lost him, but I haven't, he resides within me everyday, all I have to do is think of him and I can feel him, an ocean can't dull this connection, it is above distant and time, it functions in a realm that I've never explored before and oh am I loving this journey.

I'm scared of labelling him, because I feel that it would kill its core, the essence, however my soul has found a partner and we shall see how it all pans out. Till the next moment, because this isn't over, it isn't done, but who knows where it is going to go from here. I'm scared that he thinks I didn't fight for him and just let him go. That isn't it at all! I felt he didn't want to be fought for, however on a deeper level I fought for him, I let him go and do whatever it is he has to do. It's his choice to come and explore this, he needs freedom as much as I do and so we parted on our flight, our journey for now. Though I hope that he doesn't think he has lost me because we will always be connected, and above all I'm still waiting for him, while my life continues along its path.

I am yours to come and find!

I thank you the universe for this man!

Brought to my attention

Something flitered through the cyber waves today, and got me thinking! Oh dear lord I hear you say, not her thinking, oh yes my friends I have come out of my shell, therefore the brain is very much active.

Rejection

This is how it is boxed, labelled, in other words described in the dictionary:

To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of.
To refuse to consider or grant; deny.
To refuse to recognize or give affection to (a person).
To discard as defective or useless; throw away.

To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of.

I was surprised to have this one resonate with me.

Rjection is the other persons inablity to recongise what they need to face. We choose to feel rejected due to somebody elses inablity to face up to what is infront of them. They hide, duck and weave but don't stand up and tell you what is on there mind, what they are feeling, but most of all they can't stand up and be honest with themselves let alone with you.

Verbalising something makes it real and alot of time we don't like to open our eyes and hearts to reality. However reality is all about what we create and how we perceieve our enviroment, so we don't like to open ourselves up to ourselves.

We are never rejected! Now I can hear all of you sniffing at that statement, because lets face it we have all felt rejected in our lives, me include and rather recently too. Though when I look back on it, it was always somebody elses struggle, with honesty, connecting with themselves, denying what they had created, their own fear and finally all of that being projected onto said rejected person.

By realising that it's their internal struggle that is being highlighted, we learn not to take it personally, even though it can be directed at us, you see past the smoke screen and see what is the truth instead of what they are wanting you to see. Then their reality breaks down and your clarity arrives in the shape of understanding. When you understand you can let go, so let go of rejection because it's a smoke screen to viel the truth, that door that will lead straight to the heart of the situation.

Last little idea to throw out there is if those around us only add to our happiness, completion and joy how then can we feel rejected as nothing has been lost, discard or thrown away!

Back in London Town

What a culture shock it has been for this mountain chick to be back in the big city.






Where are the mountains, the fresh air, the space and hiking every morning?
I left that back in Colorado, where I left part of myself, to go and collect sometime soon! Yes my first night back I was looking on expedia for flights back to Boulder Colorado, that's got to speak volumes of where my heart is.

These last 3 months have been a rollercoaster ride that still hasn't stopped, and I've loved every minute of it. I can safely say that I'm a better person for all the I have experinced and learnt. That spark for life has finally come back to me and is residing closer to the surface then ever before, it's expressing its self with every breathe, movement and decision I'm making. My eyes have sparkle to them, and my soul has shed and can now grow with each moment that passes, in short I am happy, happier then I can ever remember being.

I've falling in love and then out of love and then in love again, I've cried, hurt, felt peace, contentment, joy, been challeneged in many ways, made and lost friends, been confused, had real moments of clarity, felt lost and then found, felt adored and disliked, worked my ass off and have the scars to prove it, stop biting my nails, lived a truley rural life, yes that's right only two showers a week, butchered horses, cows and elk, watched a cow been shot and not dieing until the 4th shot to the head, learnt to build things, fix cars, work with wood, cook for 14+ people, build fires to keep warm every night, having my alarm clock being the wolves howling, lived in a tipee, a two stroey one at that, started drinking coffee and alcohol again, didn't quit smoking, saved a guy on a mountain, fashioned a stretcher, diagnosied wolves, ran an office, learnt about managment and how important it is communicate, been the bitch, the friend and councellor, been national geographics personal assitant aka their bitch, hurt and helped heal people, meet family, found my little brother, found home and so much more.

Found out that it is a lot easier in many ways to be in a long term relationship, I had forgotten what I attract when I'm single. My life has always challeneged me, especially when it comes to men. I fell in love with the way somebody felt about me, then realised and had to break it off and therefore hurt a wonderful man. I tried the good guy and reaslied I need a reformed bad boy, a man not a boy. I've already been part of a boys process of gowing into a man and now know that I don't want to do that again. Been shown two men that have a warrior spirit, and that could equal me in many ways. Been told that somebody loves me for who I am and for the way I think, not somebody who wants to change me. I've been thrown curve balls twice and allowed myself to be knocked off centre. Been shown what a soulful connection can be like, how easy it can be and how it can add to my happiness in the most uplifting way. My heart has been broken and then experinced opening the door to my secret garden without as much as a thought.

More is to come, as now I have to go and get ready to meet my friends for my birthday dinner. I have missed them, even though I wasn't in contact a lot with them, I hope they know that they are always in my heart and part of my experinces.

I do love you all madly