This early early morning, yes it's close to dawn's crack, I've been talking to Jason, my love of my life. He challenges me to think, neigh discover what my deep feelings are, and bring them to the surface to know them, own them and then let them go. I wish you all this kind of happiness and relationship.
Therefore this evening I want to talk about fear, yes Jess I'm with your blog slogan 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I'm only truly beginning to understand the meaning of that and the strength that it takes to accomplish such a thing. When we open ourselves up to that way of life, we continually get challenged, the universe keeps on poking, saying are you sure, the ego keeps on poking saying there is an easier way if you just give in to it, the spirit gently caresses and says this is the way just hold fast and you will feel the peace of it. Yes it is easier to give into fear, and keep your spirit under lock and key, it's safe and secure. Though that isn't living, that's existing. We are all here for a purpose, and to be able to fulfil that we have to live not just exist. Living is everything else but secure, it's insecurity in its finest hour, it's vulnerability in its truest, most luscious form, it's the most honest path to walk down. But oh dear lord is it hard, so why do it right?! Because you soar, you fly then and freedom is yours, you no longer allow anything to chain you, to cage you, life is yours, the colours are brighter, smells are more intense, sights become purer, and feelings are true and real.
I sit here and know there are some ways that I still exist in fear, there are some ways that I don't live, there are some ways that I cage myself, there are some ways that I don't allow myself the beauty of freedom. I allow the idea of perfection to cage me, the conditioning of my past environment to dictate a lack of life. What do I have though when those final pieces fall away, there is comfort in fear, those labels won't be placed on my anymore, I will acquire other labels from external sources, can I be me when this happens. Of course I can, I will be more me then I have ever been. Now doesn't that sound scary.........! No, well to me it does and if you answered Yes then we are on the same page, Breathe we can do it, I know we can because I have faith in the power of choice, I have faith in empowerment and I am confident that once you have felt empowerment that is the path that you will always choose after that. You might oscillate, true, but you will always come back to the path of empowerment .
I faced a fear tonight, I asked Jason my partner, who I trust with my life, I trust with me, to hold my hand, to help me! Wow.........a big step for me, and even though my solar plexus clenched my spirit breathed. I've spent my whole life proving that I can do everything and anything on my own, so why I do have to keep on proving that to myself, the only reason I can think of is because I don't trust that I can, therefore I don't trust myself. That no longer applies for me, therefore lets trying something that I've never been able to do, lets face a fear, lets live! I asked him once to be gentle with me, and I now know that he can be.
I now take my hand out of pocket and extend it from my body to open space, just being there in the open, bare, naked, with nothing but hope, trust and faith to keep from pulling back to then be placed in my pocket again. That's not true the other thing I have is that feeling of knowing, knowing that it's all going to be ok, it's going to be better then that, I am going to be alive.
I'm in the process of choosing to face another fear, greater then extending my hand to have it held by another, and I know that I can do it with that love and support that it there for me from him, and finally love and support that I'm willing to accept. I'm not going to promise that I'll be any good at it in the beginning, but that's ok because I have the willingness to learn how to be. I choose to be the best me I can be with his love and support in my life. Therefore I now know that soon I will be able to stand here and go bring it on, I can do this, I can walk through this fear, I can give up that which I've been holding onto.
I wish this kind of love for you all and for those of you in my life you will always find that love extending from me to you, and for those of you I don't have in my life I extend it to you also.
I sit here at close approaching 3am and raise my cigg and know that I will soon be able to say I raise my heart to you instead.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
London Calls.........!
I'm finally departing this place that I can call home! Yes I know that you have heard this before, and yes I've said several times that I will be back, though this time I'm pretty certain that I'll be crowbarring my arse down to Denver International airport, to catch a plane back to my other friends and family.
These last two months have been a roller coaster ride, and what a ride, scary, fun, fulfilling, scary did I say that already, huh! My emotions have been turned upside down, shaken around and then placed back in this spirit to not know which way is up or down, arrrr does it really matter! All that matters is that my life has become fuller, brighter and just that little bit more spectacular. There is now another reason for me to continue to grace this part of the world, and that is my man, Jason, yes that's right I've said it! I'm passed the we're only friends thing, and have decide to commit to the connection that we share, through it all!
So now the commitment phobe, yes I raise my hand to that label too, because as you all know I can try and deny it, but that has been futile. Yes so this commitment phobe has thrown away those chains and instead found a new freedom in this relationship that I'm embarking on.
Is it stable?
Well that would have to mean that there where stable people involved, the answer to that question has to be no.
Am I in love?
It's more then that, though the best words that I can find at present to describe this expanding, lightening, challenging, tender, loving feeling is "I'm in love"
Is it secure?
That would mean that intimacy isn't being shared on a continuous basis, I have moments of insecurity and disbelief that this amazing man has said yes to me, so secure it isn't!
It is true?
Yes it is, it's the truest relationship that I've ever given myself to, he gets me no bells or whistles just me, me in my imperfection. Then in return he gives me the truest of himself. We strive to always be as honest as we are aware of, and oh can that be heard to hear or say, but the benefit is that we always know where we are.
I'm sure that some of you have heard me speak of my secret garden, that place that I have always kept for just me. Some have ab sailed into it, others have been invited and then ushered out, others just never found the key let alone the door. It was a place of safety for me, where none of this life could touch, a fantasy, a haven just for me, to lay back on the grass and look up at the stars, a place I could breathe, where there was no right or wrong, there was just being, no commitments, expectations no other energy but what I created and wanted, it was my tranquility, I could be me without having to consider anything else or anybody else, let alone share that space.
I thought the walls strong and resistant to any force, unless one day I choose to let them down, not bloody likely, but hey they say miracles happen everyday, so maybe just maybe a miracle would walk into my life. Guess what!!!!! A miracle came along, something that I didn't expect! The miracle was a man, a man that is more my equal then I've had the pleasure of knowing. He placed his hand on my stomach, and in that moment my walls just dissolved, I knew that I wanted to share everything, and every part of me. There was no longer the want to hide away in those moments of need. His energy connected with mine and passed through what I thought was resilient, oh how I was wrong, all it was waiting for was the right person, the right moment, and poof it was all gone. The walls didn't crash down, they didn't crumble, they simple ceased to exist anymore, a gentle dissolving, it felt natural and in many ways a relief. I know longer have to hold those walls up, I can breathe!
He said something to me yesterday, "I see you" ! I've heard that before and thought ok great, but we'll see. This time energy rushed through my body and I was lifted and grounded at the same time. I just knew that what he was saying was true, he sees me, he truly sees me, and still loves me. Thank you universe for him, my soul sings!
Am I still scared too bloody right I am, I'm still scared that this will be a phase for him, but you know what, I'm working on letting that go. Whatever is going to happen will be, and there is no use in worrying about what is unknown. I'm just going to keep on enjoying every moment that we are in each others life. Though he did offer me part of the deed to his tent, now how can a girl refuse that ;-)
I'm excited to see you all again soon. Till the next moment where our paths cross I bide you goodbye with a hug and a kiss, knowing that we come and go but will always be present in spirit.
These last two months have been a roller coaster ride, and what a ride, scary, fun, fulfilling, scary did I say that already, huh! My emotions have been turned upside down, shaken around and then placed back in this spirit to not know which way is up or down, arrrr does it really matter! All that matters is that my life has become fuller, brighter and just that little bit more spectacular. There is now another reason for me to continue to grace this part of the world, and that is my man, Jason, yes that's right I've said it! I'm passed the we're only friends thing, and have decide to commit to the connection that we share, through it all!
So now the commitment phobe, yes I raise my hand to that label too, because as you all know I can try and deny it, but that has been futile. Yes so this commitment phobe has thrown away those chains and instead found a new freedom in this relationship that I'm embarking on.
Is it stable?
Well that would have to mean that there where stable people involved, the answer to that question has to be no.
Am I in love?
It's more then that, though the best words that I can find at present to describe this expanding, lightening, challenging, tender, loving feeling is "I'm in love"
Is it secure?
That would mean that intimacy isn't being shared on a continuous basis, I have moments of insecurity and disbelief that this amazing man has said yes to me, so secure it isn't!
It is true?
Yes it is, it's the truest relationship that I've ever given myself to, he gets me no bells or whistles just me, me in my imperfection. Then in return he gives me the truest of himself. We strive to always be as honest as we are aware of, and oh can that be heard to hear or say, but the benefit is that we always know where we are.
I'm sure that some of you have heard me speak of my secret garden, that place that I have always kept for just me. Some have ab sailed into it, others have been invited and then ushered out, others just never found the key let alone the door. It was a place of safety for me, where none of this life could touch, a fantasy, a haven just for me, to lay back on the grass and look up at the stars, a place I could breathe, where there was no right or wrong, there was just being, no commitments, expectations no other energy but what I created and wanted, it was my tranquility, I could be me without having to consider anything else or anybody else, let alone share that space.
I thought the walls strong and resistant to any force, unless one day I choose to let them down, not bloody likely, but hey they say miracles happen everyday, so maybe just maybe a miracle would walk into my life. Guess what!!!!! A miracle came along, something that I didn't expect! The miracle was a man, a man that is more my equal then I've had the pleasure of knowing. He placed his hand on my stomach, and in that moment my walls just dissolved, I knew that I wanted to share everything, and every part of me. There was no longer the want to hide away in those moments of need. His energy connected with mine and passed through what I thought was resilient, oh how I was wrong, all it was waiting for was the right person, the right moment, and poof it was all gone. The walls didn't crash down, they didn't crumble, they simple ceased to exist anymore, a gentle dissolving, it felt natural and in many ways a relief. I know longer have to hold those walls up, I can breathe!
He said something to me yesterday, "I see you" ! I've heard that before and thought ok great, but we'll see. This time energy rushed through my body and I was lifted and grounded at the same time. I just knew that what he was saying was true, he sees me, he truly sees me, and still loves me. Thank you universe for him, my soul sings!
Am I still scared too bloody right I am, I'm still scared that this will be a phase for him, but you know what, I'm working on letting that go. Whatever is going to happen will be, and there is no use in worrying about what is unknown. I'm just going to keep on enjoying every moment that we are in each others life. Though he did offer me part of the deed to his tent, now how can a girl refuse that ;-)
I'm excited to see you all again soon. Till the next moment where our paths cross I bide you goodbye with a hug and a kiss, knowing that we come and go but will always be present in spirit.
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